


Kabe (Continuation)

by TNKT



Category: Gintama
Genre: Bathing/Washing, Blood and Violence, Burning, Castration, Creating an ending for Kabe, Denial, Gang Rape, Graphic Description, Gutting, Harada - Freeform, Hurt Hijikata, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Injury Recovery, Kabe, M/M, Mayonnaise, Nightmares, Psychological Trauma, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Shock, Stabbing, Whipping
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-16
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2018-09-24 22:32:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 26
Words: 27,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9790046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TNKT/pseuds/TNKT
Summary: Kabe is a Gintama doujinshi created by the sadistic mastermind Harada which ends very badly for Hijikata.I wanted a better ending and probably a lot of other people did too so I hope this will satisfy our need for Gintoki comforting Hijikata after the events of the dj and not being the total asshole Harada depicts him as (I love Harada's work, don't get me wrong, but this one was a bit too much).If you don't know the dj and don't want to be scarred for life by reading it, it's okay, I wrote a summary in the first chapter so you know what's going on.Enjoy.





	1. Chapter 1

**What is "Kabe"?**

Kabe is a messed up Gintama doujinshi created by Harada which will first make you go "Oh yesss" and then "Oh nooo" and will leave you feeling extremely dissatisfied and sad with an aching heart (if you have one). However for some reason, you will probably come back to it a few months later to read it again. As you will for every Harada manga.  
Oh, and kabe means wall.

**What is the doujinshi's story?**

Gintoki is looking for a cat, Hijikata encounters him, Gintoki asks Hijikata to squeeze through a hole in the wall to see if he can catch sight of the cat, and Hijikata ends up stuck there. And his rear end is with Gintoki. You can guess what happens then: lots of Hijikata trying to stay silent, lots of Gintoki edging him, and of course lots of cumming. Hijikata acts like his tsundere self but it's pretty obvious he enjoyed that.  
It's what happens next that sucks.

Basically Gintoki leaves Hijikata to go ask the owner of the wall if he can enlarge the hole (pun not intended), but he decides to be an ass (pun fully intended) and leaves Hijikata there without his pants.  
So of course Hijikata gets found by a mob. And raped. And it's pretty painful to watch because you can see him breaking down from it progressively. He calls out to Gin several times, but each time that happens you see Gin either not giving a fuck about Hijikata (I mean he goes to eat pastries because he forgets about the guy) either taking wayyyy too long to get a hammer.  
When he finally does, he joins Hijikata on the inner side of the wall, so he can't see how messed up the poor guy's body is on the other side, and he doesn't even notice that Hijikata is fucking traumatized from the whole thing and utterly unresponsive.  
And Gin says while enlarging the hole, I quote, "This is actually kinda difficult". Fucked up, Harada.  
Then you have a panel of Hijikata's devastated rear end with writing on the wall that says [Ass in wall for toilet usage]. THE END.

Needless to say, at the end of this dj, you're screaming.

**What's this fanfic for?**

It exists to mend the hearts of the readers who want justice for poor Hijikata, including me. And who want the comfort part to this hurt.  
This is going to be a bit difficult to render logical since Gintoki is such an OOC airheaded jerk in the dj, but I'll try.

**Other things you should know:**

In the dj itself, it's not clear whether Gin loves Hiji, but it's pretty clear Hiji likes Gin. Plus, because of the fact that they have what _seems_ to be non consensual sex, yet Hiji doesn't get too mad about it, coupled with the fact he blushes before and after the act, I'm going to assume that they've already fucked many times before the events of the dj and that Hiji likes it rough.  
So in my continuation of the dj, they've been fuck buddies for a while and Hijikata seems to have a one-sided love for Gintoki, which is why they'll seem to have some kind of established relationship from the get-go. 'Kay? 'Kay.  
Let's start then.


	2. Freeing Hijikata

Gintoki keeps hitting the hammer against the wall, the dry sound of the impacts loud in his ears as the wall starts breaking.  
"This is actually kinda hard," he observes.  
Hijikata doesn't answer.  
"Sorry I took so long," adds Gintoki, thinking that maybe Hijikata is mad at him and giving him the silent treatment.  
Hijikata doesn't answer.  
"I'm almost done, so sit tight," he says, and the wall soon gives way. Large chunks tumble out of it, widening the opening, and Gintoki straightens.  
"Whew. Okay, you can move now. I think it's wide enough for you."  
Hijikata doesn't answer. Nor does he move.

Gintoki frowns. "Hey, I know you had to wait a long time, but you didn't fall asleep, did you?"  
He waits some more, but when the man doesn't show any reaction he steps closer and crouches.  
"Hijika-"  
His eyes widen when he sees Hijikata's expression.   
The man's eyes are open, but unseeing, tear tracks drying along his cheeks. Drool is dripping from his mouth, and his face is covered in sweat, but most of all he's completely still and utterly unreactive.

"Hijikata? Oi, can you hear me?" Gintoki asks, anxiety suddenly pooling in his gut.  
What happened? When Gintoki left earlier, Hijikata was pissed and still pretty lively. So why is he...?  
It's clear that the man isn't moving by himself, so Gintoki stands up.  
"I'm going to pull you out so don't worry, I'm not leaving. I'm just going to the other side, okay?"  
He doesn't wait for an answer, because he knows he's not going to get any, and runs off as fast as he can. He passes in front of the house where the little old man lives and throws the hammer down so the owner can take it back, and hurries around the entrance to circle the wall.  
And then he sees it.

At first, he's not sure if what he's seeing is real, but as he steps closer he understands that this is very much real. He feels the rush of dread, the blood draining from his face, and the disbelief pounding in his head. It happened. Someone...  
He snaps out of it and quickly recovers from the sight of Hijikata's dirty wounded skin, rushing to his side.  
"Hijikata, I'm pulling you out of there." He hesitates shortly and adds: "...Don't be scared."  
Then he wraps his arms around Hijikata's waist and starts pulling while trying to avoid injuring Hijikata's arm any further, and he notices that the man is barely holding himself up. Finally he manages to drag Hijikata out of the wall and they collapse on the grass. Gintoki quickly gets back to his feet and crouches next to the man, whose shocked expression still remains. His eyes are staring straight at Gintoki, but it doesn't look like he's seeing anything.  
Gintoki clenches his jaw and moves away from Hijikata's head to check the extent of the damage done to him. He turns the man's body over as gently as he can, but it really doesn't matter. Hijikata's body is as limp as a ragdoll's, and he's completely unresponsive. Gintoki's eyes roam over the man's rear and the back of his thighs, and he feels rage slowly building up inside him.  
Bloody welts. Drying cum. Condoms stuck to the skin. Sweat. The man's muscles are still spasming from the intensity of the abuse.

Gintoki wipes the disgusting mess off as well as he can with his own clothes, then pulls Hijikata's pants back up and rolls him over on his back. He tries not to look at Hijikata's empty eyes when he slips his hand under his head and pulls the man in a sitting position, and then he gathers the man in his arms and lifts him off the ground.  
He promises himself that as soon as Hijikata is somewhere safe, he's killing the sons of bitches that did this to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pumpkin.  
> Thanks for reading, leave a comment if you feel like it!


	3. Going home

By the time Gintoki finally reaches his home with Hijikata in his arms, it's already past nightfall. He's thankful for that, because it means no one can see the state the Shinsengumi vice-chief is in.  
He kicks the door to his home open and yells: "Shinpachi! Kagura! Come and help me!"  
Then he lies Hijikata against the wall with utmost care while foosteps echo through the apartment, and a sleepy Kagura appears next to the doorway, closely followed by Shinpachi.  
"What is it, Gin-"  
Then she notices the man sitting on the matted floor and she gasps. "Is that-"  
Shinpachi's eyes widen as well and he rushes to Hijikata. "What happened to him? Why is he in shock?"  
Gintoki looks away. "It's my fault. Kagura, go run a bath, will you?"  
Kagura nods and runs out of the room, and Gintoki sits down next to Shinpachi. "How is he?"  
Shinpachi has his mouth set in a tight line. "This isn't good, he's not reacting to anything. What did you do to him?"  
Gintoki stares at Hijikata. The strong, proud, handsome Shinsengumi officer he knows and sees practically every day reduced to a mere shell because of him. How many were they? What did they tell him while they were fucking him? Did he call for help?  
What had he done...

"Gin-san."  
He snaps out of it and looks up at Shinpachi who is staring at him with worried eyes. "What exactly happened to him?"  
The white-haired man shakes his head. "I wasn't there, but I think he got...." His words falter. He shouldn't say it, not to them. Not right now. Hijikata wouldn't want anyone to know. "He got hurt... because I left him to be."  
Shinpachi's eyes dart to Hijikata then back to Gintoki, and he stares at him. "What do you mean, you left him to be?"  
Gintoki buries his face in his hand. "He was stuck, and I left him there... And I... I went too far. I should've listened to him. I should've-" Then he stops himself and straightens. "It doesn't matter. It happened, and we have to help him get better."  
The boy is looking at him with cold, reproachful eyes. "Gin-san, whatever you did, you better make things right. If this... If this really is your fault, then his state is your responsability."  
Gintoki nods.

Kagura suddenly appears again and says: "The bath is ready."  
Gintoki gets up and lifts Hijikata in his arms again. "Thanks, Kagura."  
Kagura doesn't answer and gazes worriedly at Hijikata as both men pass in front of her. Then she turns to Shinpachi with a questioning gaze, and the way he shakes his head makes her understand that this is worse than she thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pumpkin.  
> Thanks for reading, leave a comment if you feel like it!


	4. Cleaning up

Gintoki feels like he's handling dead weight. Hijikata is limp in his arms, and taking the man's clothes off is a bit difficult without his help.  
Then he lowers him in the bath and props him against one of the walls. Hijikata's head is hanging to the side and he still has the same passive eyes, which Gintoki can't deny are scaring him.  
Gintoki lathers his hands in soap and starts cleaning Hijikata's body as gently as he can. He begins with his pale face, washing the drool and sweat and snot and tears away, noticing the red spot on Hijikata's lower lip where he probably bit it in an attempt to stay quiet. He makes sure Hijikata's hair is clean as well, handling Hijikata's head with extreme precaution as he strokes it. He runs his hands down the man's shoulders, rubs soft circles in his back to loosen his tense muscles, but as gentle as he tries to be he can still feel tremors in the man's body. He doesn't know if Hijikata is feeling all this or not.  
He finishes by washing the dried semen and crusty blood away, and as he does so he can feel disgust and anger swirling in his gut. It happened. It really happened. And with Hjikata in this kind of unresponsive state... Gin didn't think the man could've gotten so hurt. He'd always seen Hijikata as this unbreakable man, a man who'd bled and fallen and got back up again just like Gin himself had so many times before. Then why did he seem so vulnerable now? Gin didn't think this was possible before, yet there lied Hijikata with empty eyes and heavy limbs. What had become of the proud, straight-standing and strong man Gintoki knew?  
Was it... was it his fault? Was he responsible for this? He was, he knew he was, he just didn't think this could've happened.  
Why had he left him that way?  
The thought of that...ordeal happening to Hijikata hadn't even crossed his mind when he'd left the Shinsengumi vice-chief behind half-naked. He'd thought whatever would happen, Hijikata would be able to defend himself, because he was powerful and good at fighting.  
It had been a stupid, half-assed thought. How could anyone defend themselves in that position?  
He should've...

As Gintoki steadies the man in a sitting position, he notices that Hijikata moves by himself a bit. He looks up to see if there's any change in the vice-commander's expression, and realizes that the man might be waking up from his torpor because his eyes are focusing on something.  
Gintoki straightens and puts his hand on the side of the man's face. "Hijikata...?"  
The man doesn't seem to register his presence, but at least he looks alive. It's just that he isn't seeing what's in front of him.  
"Hijikata, can you hear me?"

The man doesn't answer, but his throat is working, as if he's trying to speak but can't get the words out. He seems lost in his own mind.  
Gintoki waits a bit more, searching the vice-commander's face, but after a while he sighs and lets go of Hijikata's cheek to go back to rinsing the man's legs. The pink suds drift in the pooling water and slip down the drain, and soon the water becomes clear enough for Gintoki to decide that Hijikata is clean.  
He cuts off the water and reaches to the side to grab a towel, when suddenly Hijikata starts screaming. Gintoki jolts in surprise and loses his balance, toppling over on the wet floor, and he hears the thunder of footsteps on the other side of the door.

He gets back to his feet and tries to calm Hijikata down, but the man is staring at empty space and screaming in utter terror.  
"Gintoki, what's going on?" yells Kagura from behind the door, and Gintoki grabs one of Hijikata's flailing arms.  
"He's freaking out!" answers Gintoki as he tries to reach for the man's face, but Hijikata resists his grasp and he kicks and punches Gintoki several times.  
Then Shinpachi's voice rings out. "I'll go get sleeping pills or something, but try to get him to recognize you at least!"  
"Okay, just hurry!"  
Gintoki finally manages to grab Hijikata's face with both hands and yells: "Hijikata! Calm down! Listen to me!"


	5. Losing ground

Hijikata screams. He screams, and screams, from fear and pain and anger and wounded pride.  
He doesn't want it, he doesn't want to be touched or held down, and he tries to fend off his attacker even if his whole body hurts, even if there's fire below him and aching in his limbs and burning on his skin.  
He can feel his mind falling apart. He doesn't know where he is. He doesn't know who's there. All he knows is he needs to escape.  
He can feel his body breaking, splitting in two, and suddenly a blinding pain in his lower back. He jolts and he hears an excruciated cry ringing in his ears and a hand holding his head still and then Gintoki.

Gintoki?

Hijikata blinks, focusing on the present.  
"Gin...?" he croaks, and his throat feels sore. His whole being feels sore.  
The silver-haired man releases his hold on Hijikata's chin and his hands drop in his lap. "Thank god..."  
Hijikata frowns and looks around. Gintoki's... house?

Wait.

He looks down and sees that he's naked. He sees drops of water, and blood. Bruises on his thighs.  
And...

No.  
No, no, no  
NO

He scrambles back, hitting the bath's wet wall, his eyes wide, his breathing suddenly heavy and fast.  
Gintoki gives him a questioning look and reaches out, but Hijikata flinches and hides behind his arms.

Gintoki feels briefly confused by Hijikata's reaction but he quickly recovers and retrieves his hand. Of course Hijikata isn't going to be okay right away. He can't be too forceful.  
"Hijikata... It's just me."  
The man is curled up and still hiding his face, and Gintoki can see his shoulders shaking.  
"Don't be afraid. You're still wet, you need to get dry."

Hijikata barely hears Gintoki's words. He remembers it all. He remembers being left behind, exposed to any passer-by. He remembers the pain in his arm, a pain he didn't really care about, and then the immense pain of a whip cracking against his skin. The humiliation.  
He couldn't do anything. He'd fought, but he'd surrendered just as easily. Powerless.  
He was supposed to be the demonic vice-commander.  
Unable to move. Unable to escape the grip of warm hands on his thighs, on his waist, unable to escape the feeling of being pushed into, to escape the invasion and the pain and the laughter and the voices and the torture and the pleasure, filthy twisted disgusting unwanted pleasure  
Stuck.

"Ngh... No... No, no, NOOOOOOOOOO!" he shrieks, smacking the back of his head against the wall. It didn't happen! None of it happened! He needs to get these thoughts out of his head, out of his crumbling mind, pulling at his hair, clawing at his face, and he doesn't feel it when someone grabs his wrists and pulls them away, he just screams and cries and sees nothing.  
He needs to forget, he needs to forget, why did this happen to him?  
Why?  
WHY?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pumpkin.  
> Thanks for reading, leave a comment if you feel like it!


	6. Calming down

And then, suddenly, Hijikata feels arms around him. He feels the fabric of Gintoki's yukata pressed against his wet lips. Gintoki's smell. Gintoki's hands splayed across his back and securing him in a warm embrace. Gintoki's voice in his ear telling him it's okay, it's over, they're gone now.  
And Hijikata comes to.  
He stops screaming. He feels tears rolling down his face and wetness spreading across the fabric of Gin's clothes, feels tired and heavy, and he just wants to be done with it all. He wants to disappear. He wants to stop thinking about it all.

The rest is a haze. He feels Gintoki draw away from him and then a towel rubbing his hair, his back, his arms, his chest, and then Gintoki pulls a shirt over his head, and then Gintoki helps him stand up and his legs are also toweled, at one point he notices he's wearing pants again and that someone is handing him a glass and Gintoki makes him drink it with a pill, and then he lies down on something soft and comfortable, and then everything vanishes and finally he sinks in a dark, quiet place.

Gintoki sits on the bed next to Hijikata, who falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He wonders if the sleeping pill was even necessary. Then again, this way they're sure his sleep will be peaceful.  
He looks up at Shinpachi, who is standing next to them both with his arms crossed. The boy's eyes meet his and Gintoki gestures towards the man on the bed, saying : "Watch over him while I'm gone."  
Shinpachi's eyes widen in surprise. "What? You're leaving him here?"  
Gintoki stands up and takes a step towards the door. "Yeah, I need to report this to the Shinsengumi so they don't look for him thinking he disappeared somewhere."  
Shinpachi stops him, blocking his way with his arm. "At this hour?"  
"Yeah."  
"Gin-san, are you going to do something stupid?"  
The white-haired man looks at the boy and shrugs. "Not any more than usual. I'm going, but I'll come back soon, okay?"  
"But what do we do if he wakes up and freaks out again? I don't think I'm strong enough to stop him, Kagura's too strong to risk it and I'm pretty sure you're the only one who can calm him down!"  
Gintoki looks over at Hijikata, then back at the boy. "I have to be the one to tell them. And I've got unfinished business I need to take care of."  
"Can't it wait??"

Gintoki grabs Shinpachi by the shoulder and growls: "You don't understand. This is my fault, _I_ need to be the one to fix it, and I need to fix it before Hijikata wakes up. Get it?"  
The boy pushes his hand away and glares at him. "If that's what you need to make yourself feel better. Just don't come complaining if things go wrong while you're gone."  
Gintoki stares at him, then at the resting vice-commander. Then he looks away and leaves the room without a word.  
_

"What do you mean, the vice-commander's not coming to work?" asks Sougo. "What's up with him?  
"He has his reasons."  
Sougo smiles mockingly. "The vice-commander's never skipped a day of work before... He must be getting soft or something, heh."  
Next to him, the chief stares at Gintoki with a serious expression. Both men look at each other gravely and Sougo stops talking, sensing that there is something off with the atmopshere. Kondou opens his mouth to speak. "Is he in that bad a state?"  
Gintoki nods wordlessly, and Sougo glances at Kondou despite him.  
The commander sighs. "How did it happen? Was he too reckless this time?"  
"No," answers Gintoki. "It was my fault."  
Sougo's smile disappears when he notices the quiet tone to the man's voice. It definitely feels like something went wrong.  
Kondou frowns. "Your fault?"  
"I left him behind when I shouldn't have," says Gintoki. He looks back at Sougo, then at Kondou, visibly weighing his options. Then he readjusts the wooden blade hanging from his side and adds: "Listen, I can't tell you what happened, he wouldn't want you to know."  
"He's our vice-commander, I think we've got the right to know," sharply replies Sougo. He doesn't like the way the samurai is acting, and he doesn't like things staying hidden.  
"Sougo, calm down. I think it's better if we hear it from Toshi himself, if it's that compromising," says the commander as he puts his hand on his shoulder. Sougo backs down reluctantly, even though he's not especially happy with complying.  
Kondou looks back at Gintoki, his eyes narrowing, and he asks: "Was it an accident?"  
"No."  
"Do you know who hurt him, then?"  
"No, but I'm going to track them down."  
"Them? How many attackers were there?" frowns Kondou, and Gintoki's hand clenches around the hilt of his bokuto.  
"I don't know how many exactly, but they were a group."  
Okita feels his own mucles tensing. The vice-commander's easily been through those kinds of fights before, so why would this one be different from the rest? Maybe it was an ambush, or something like that. However, if that is the case... Then how is Gintoki involved in this?

There's a bad feeling at the base of Sougo's neck, like this might be more than what the Shinsengumi officials usually have to face. Why the hell would Gintoki be the one to tell them about Hijikata taking a day off? Couldn't the vice-commander do that himself? And why ask someone from Yorozuya to do it for him?  
Kondou's voice cuts through his thoughts. "We'll help, if you need information."  
"I know."  
"About Toshi, tell him we'll be fine even if he's gone for a bit. After all, he never takes time for himself."  
Gintoki nods. Sougo watches him closely to see if he can find any sign of what really happened on the man's face, but since there's nothing left to say, the samurai turns around to leave the Shinsengumi. Sougo watches his back retreat in the dark, unsettled by this turn of events, and he hears Kondou sigh next to him.  
He looks up at the chief, whose expression looks deeply troubled, and he can't help but feel the same.

Gintoki's red eyes gain clarity as he draws away from the Shinsengumi building, his pupils blossoming in the night.   
Time to find those sons of bitches.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pumpkin.  
> Thanks for the kudos, guys, I really appreciate it.  
> Leave a comment if you feel like it!


	7. Guys give me ideas

Hi pumpkins, it's me, Tanukitan.  
So the next chapter is basically Gintoki bringing the fiery wrath of hell down on the rapists' heads, but I'd like some suggestions from you all: how should they be punished?  
Of course some of them will get slaughtered because they really deserve it, but there's the way of doing it.  
I'm also thinking maybe Gintoki could wound them in a way they'd regret their whole life (you know, castration sounds good). It can be gross, and gory, and bloody, and loud, I don't mind writing it. I just need ideas.  
(I figure that if you're twisted enough to read Harada, then you're okay with this kind of revenge, I mean I'm sure I'm not the only one to have imagined those assholes getting tortured for hurting Hijikata. If you really don't like that kind of violence just skip those chapters, the rest of the story should be mostly dealing with Hijikata's and Gintoki's relationship, Hijikata coping with what happened, and comfort.)  
_Edit: now that I've written them, I can tell you the chapters with torture and consequently with gore are chapters 10, 11, 13 and 14._

I'll fess up, I've actually never watched Gintama (never had the time) and I can't do it now (don't have the time), so basically my knowledge of it is limited to what fans write on the internet and mostly djs. But I figure that's not that bad, since the Gintama characters in Harada's dj are almost always OOC and my story is a derivative of that. But if ever it really disturbs you that they don't sound like themselves, tell me how I should write them and I'll try to arrange that.  
(I use the Gintama wiki to write the characters when I'm not sure, but that's probably not enough. Like, for Sougo, initially he acted really cold and angry towards Gintoki from the get go but then I saw he actually had a good relationship with him, so I changed it. If his lines haven't shocked you then that's a good sign for me!)

Anyways, I expect you guys to give me really juicy ideas and twisted inspiration, don't try restraining your thirst for bloody revenge because I really need that to write the next chapter. Okay, let's go, give me all you've got!


	8. Hunting

It doesn't take long for Gin to find the five men responsible for Hijikata's state.

The easiest to find is a guy called Shin: a man so drunk it seems like he might topple over at the slightest poke. Lucky for Gin, he finds the man in the fifth bar he visits. He doesn't even need to sit down and mingle with the crowd to hear him talk about what he did.  
No one is listening to him, of course, because he's alone and just one of many blabbering red-faced clients, but Gin hears him loud and clear when he boasts about how he fucked a Shinsengumi officer. He's saying it to anyone who might listen to him, but Gin can see the bartender is just tired of the guy's shit and not really paying attention to what he's saying. Maybe the guy's been at it for hours, who knows. Besides, the guy doesn't say names, so Gin guesses Hijikata's identity is safe. That's a positive thing, as positive as things can get.

Gin doesn't lose time and walks up to the guy, seating himself on one of the adjacent stools and smiling widely at the man.  
"Yo. So, a Shinsengumi officer, huh?"  
The man turns to him with a wobbling frown. "Who're you?"  
Gin waves his concerns away. "Ah, don't worry, I'm just a wandering samurai. I'll pay you another beer if you tell me the story." _And then I'll gut you like the pig you are. As soon as you give me the names._  
The man's frown vanishes, replaced by a gleeful expression. "Sure man, no probl'm. Get me a large one, will ya?"  
Gin's smile grows wider. _I'll make sure you get to watch yourself die._ "Got it. Hey, barkeep! A large beer for this guy here, on me."

The bartender looks over at the silver-haired samurai and nods with a half-hearted smile. He knows the samurai, and although most of the time the man bails out on the paying part of drinking, the bartender has to admit he kinda likes the guy.

Gin turns back to the drunkard. "What's your name?"  
"Just call me Shin. That's what everyone calls me."  
"Okay," answers Gin. "Tell me everything, Shin. Was it a good fuck?"  
"Oh yeah, the best," grins the man as the sparse hairs on his shiny cranium shake with enthusiasm. "Even if he kept fighting back at first."

The bartender appears in front of the both of them, hands the man his large beer, and then walks away.

"Well, that's a Shinsengumi officer for ya. Why'd he stop?"  
"Grabbed his balls. That got him to calm down right quick." The man takes a gulp of his beer.  
Gin feels anger boiling deep down in his gut, but he doesn't show any sign of it. "You were alone?"  
"Nah. We were five guys." The man smirks. "Y'know, he kept screaming, but he liked it. He took all of us one by one, it felt really great."  
"...I bet," answers Gin. _Five. They were five._ "Friends of yours?"  
"We kinda hang around." He takes another gulp.  
"I hang around too, but I don't think I know who you're talking about. What's their name? Maybe I know them."  
"They all work around here 'cept for Munasa. He's a fucking bum. Ruto works at the carpenter's, y'know, with the saws with the red and blue handles? Yeah, that guy. And then Tanaka and Kotaru, they work the engines down in the Miyaba business, but I don't think you've ever seen them. They don't drink here."  
"Yeah, I guess so. Do you know where they could be at this hour?"  
"Who do you think I am, their fucking mother? Course I don't know." He lifts the beer to his lips and takes three consecutive gulps this time, then slams it down and burps. "But man, was that officer tight. Those guys should get stuck in walls more often."

Gin feel a twinge of guilt, but he pushes it aside.

"Did you leave the others after that?"  
"Nah, they left me. They wanted to go to a brothel, but I just wanted a drink after all that action."  
"Huh." Gin nods, and then he glances towards the barkeep. Not looking.  
He turns back to the man, who is finishing his beer. "Say, you wanna go for some right now?"  
The man burps again. "For some what?"  
Gin resists the urge to clobber the man over the head with his empty pint of beer. "Sex. Prostitutes."  
The guy's mouth forms a circle in a silent "oh", and then he looks up as if considering the option.  
"I'll pay," adds Gin, and the man looks back down and smiles.  
"Yeah, I'll come," he answers, the yellowed grin stretching his sweaty features.

Gin looks back at the barkeep, who thankfully hasn't caught on to his little scheme. The thing is, he doesn't have any money (not that it's unusual for him), so of course he's leaving without paying. He turns back to the man and straightens.  
"Let's go then."   
And then he walks away in the most natural way in the world, without looking back to check if the man is following him.  
He hears heavy stumbling behind him, but he doesn't turn around to see if the barkeep has noticed their departure and quickly walks out in the night air. Then he glances behind, and when he sees the man is following him, he starts heading along the road. He hears the other man trot behind him to catch up, so he turns a corner and when the man comes around as well, he smacks the hilt of his bokuto right into the man's throat.

The man's eyes widen and he brings his hands to his throat, but he barely has the time to make a choking sound before Gin strikes again, this time hitting the side of his head with a dull thud. The man's body goes limp and falls to the ground unceremoniously.  
Gin slides his bokuto back into place and his face twists in a disgusted expression. "Fucking idiot."  
Then he crouches and slings the man's body over his shoulder before vanishing behind another wall.

He spends half of the night hunting down the other men, and each time, he lures them into a false sense of complicity. Each time, they tell him how good it felt, and each time, he knocks them down once he's sure that they're responsible. They don't all tell him as easily as Shin did, but they all finally do.

At first, he drags them in a shabby, abandoned hangar with the firm intention to maim and kill them all one by one while the others are looking, but when he brings the last man there, a thought strikes him: it's not up to him to decide. This is Hijikata's decision to make.  
He dumps the limp body on the ground and stares at the unconscious men.   
Yeah. Hijikata would want to be the one to kill them.


	9. Lashing out

When Gin comes home and opens the door, the first thing he sees is a blade swishing across his face. He narrowly manages to dodge it with a yelp, and then he hears Shinpachi yell: "Hijikata, stop!"

When he looks at his attacker, he sees a seething Hijikata with absolute loathing blazing in his narrowed eyes. His lips are pulled back into a snarl and he growls: "I'm gonna kill you."  
Gin's eyes go round and he opens his mouth to answer, but the Shinsengumi vice-chief doesn't give him the time. The blade slices through the air again, and Gin feels it graze his forehead as he barely manages to twist his body around fast enough to duck the blow.  
This time the sword buries itself in the wooden beam right next to Gin's face, and by the time Hijikata pulls it out, Gin has managed to take a step back.  
"Calm down, Hiji-"  
"SHUT UP!" roars the man as he lunges towards Gintoki again, narrowly missing the man's shoulder as the samurai dives to the side. He quickly gets back to his feet and holds his hands out.  
"Wait up, I don't wanna fight! I've got something to-"  
"I said SHUT UP, YOU BASTARD!" Hijikata's sword slashes a wild arc in the space where Gintoki stood just a few seconds prior, but the silver-haired man's escape is cut short by the small table behind him as he trips and falls back.  
Hijikata's eyes are trained on him the way a raving beast's would and Gin feels like a thousand flaming hells are about to fall upon his head, and he's about to dodge again when Shinpachi suddenly appears before him and swords clash in the middle of the room.

Shinpachi's strained voice rises between both men. "Please stop, Hijikata. You shouldn't be fighting in your condition-"  
"Who's fault do you think my condition is?" spits the Shinsengumi vice-chief, and Gintoki winces.  
"Look, Hiji," he tries, "I'm sorry, I-"  
"I don't need your excuses," cuts Hijikata as he steps back, his sword hanging limply in his hands. "It's too late for that. It won't undo what... they did to me."  
He looks down at the ground, and even from where Gin is sitting he can see the haunted look in his eyes.  
"What they did... to me."

Gintoki slowly stands up, and Shinpachi looks at him with a troubled expression. Kagura seems extremely lost, standing on the side of the room with no idea what to do or how to react. The thing is, none of them know what to do. Not with the proud Hijikata Toshirou in this state.

The man in question then looks up and narrows his eyes at Gintoki. "I'll make you pay. I swear I'll kill you, you piece of-"  
"Okay, look," interrupts Gin as he takes a step forward. "I know you want to kill me, but you can do that later. I got them."  
Hijikata's frown deepens and his hand tenses around his sword, so Gin stops advancing. "Them?"  
"Yeah, those guys," answers Gintoki. "I didn't kill them yet. I thought you'd want-"  
"Where are they?" snarls Hijikata, and Shinpachi stops him: "Wait, Hijikata, I don't think you should-"  
"What? You want me to rest? No way in hell am I quietly lying down to _rest_ ," growls Hijikata with undissimulated rage. "I can rest when I'm dead."

Shinpachi falls silent, and Gintoki settles his hand on the young man's shoulder.  
"Look, we got this, okay? Hijikata's fine."  
"I'm _fine_ ," insists Hijikata with the same menacing look on his face.  
Shinpachi bends his head wordlessly, but it's obvious he's not okay with this. Kagura isn't either, although she stays quiet.  
Gintoki then looks over at Hijikata. "Then let me show you where they are."  
"You're not coming with me," says Hijikata immediately.  
"Why not?" asks Gintoki with a defying stare.  
Both men gaze at each other intensely for a few more minutes before Kagura says: "Let me come too."  
"No," they both answer simultaneously. Then Hijikata says: "I don't want anyone to come with me."  
"But then you won't know where they are," answers Gin.  
"I'll find them on my own."  
"It'll be faster with me."  
"You're not coming."  
"I'll follow you."

Hijikata stares at Gin and Gin stares at him, and then Hijikata sheathes his sword with a muttered curse before storming out of the room. Gintoki turns to the others and says: "We'll be back soon. Sorry for the trouble, but could you try and do something about the beam?"  
"He also punched the wall and now there's a hole in the bedroom," pipes Kagura, and Shinpachi sighs with a nod.  
"Oh. Then try doing something about that too."  
Shinpachi puts away his sword and Kagura steps up to the man. "Gin-chan, seriously, you're pretty stupid. Leaving him there."  
"He told you?" asks Gin with a surprised expression, and Kagura frowns.  
"He said... things. Yelled them, actually." She looks disappointed in him. "You really left him on his own then."  
"I didn't think-" Gin tries to defend himself, but Shinpachi interrupts him with the same cold eyes as earlier.  
"You really messed up, Gin-san. You messed up in the worst way possible."

Gintoki doesn't know what to answer and the young people's judging stares soon become a bit too much for him to handle.  
"I... I have to go with him," he says before hurriedly leaving the place.  
Shinpachi and Kagura watch him go, and then they're left alone.  
"I really hope those guys die," says Kagura.  
"I hope Hijikata doesn't kill Gin-san," answers Shinpachi. "Even if he deserves it."


	10. Taking revenge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where things start getting gross, so yeah, just a warning if you don't like blood and violence and cutting people up: Hijikata taking revenge will last for several chapters. I'll be warning you at the beginning of each chapter if there's graphic torture in it.

Hijikata doesn't speak again and keeps quiet for the whole trip back to the hangar. Gin tries to start a conversation multiple times, to no avail, and definitely stops when he sees the vice-chief's hand rest on the hilt of his sword. Even he understands when there's a limit that shouldn't be pushed.

When they arrive in front of the hangar, Gin lets Hijikata enter first and follows him inside. When he turns on the light, he notices four of the five men are awake, and they start wriggling in their bonds when they see him. Their eyes are wide and kind of bloodshot, especially Shin's, probably from the alcohol.  
Gin bends down and removes Shin's gag, and then he smiles at him charmingly. "I brought a friend along. Hope you don't mind it."  
"Who... is that?" utters the man with a raspy voice. His throat must be still recovering from the blow.  
Gin turns to Hijikata, who is staring at the other men with a face that looks like it could be made of steel. He straightens and says: "Hey. He wants to know who you are."  
Hijikata looks at him, but he doesn't answer right away. He steps up to another man and rips away the gag, and words start tumbling out of his mouth: "Get away from me, you freaks, what the fuck is wrong with you?!"  
The rest is muffled when Hijikata puts the rag back into his mouth, and he does the same for the other two individuals who are awake. Gin understands he's checking if their voices belong to the men he remembers.  
The last one is still out of it. He's the one called Masamuna, or the bum, as Shin called him. Gin watches as Hijikata crouches in front of him.  
"No use, he was already kind of out when I found him," says Gin. "I think he was really high. He might not be coming out of it soon."  
Hijikata glares at Gin, so the samurai shuts up, and then he looks back at the man. Now that Gin is paying more attention, it looks like the guy is waking up. His eyes still look really hazy though.  
Hijikata takes off the gag, and the man's drool dribbles down his chin and chest. No doubt about it, he's completely stoned.  
Hijikata frowns and grabs the man by the collar, whose eyes widen at the pull. His stare focuses on the vice-chief's face and he mumbles: "...smooth... and green... smooth... and green..."  
The black-haired man's face is impassible, but he throws the bum against the wall and straightens.  
"Seriously... Who are you guys?" asks Shin, and flinches when Hijikata's head snaps towards him.  
Hijikata steps closer. "You don't recognize me?"  
The man's eyes widen and he chokes out: "Shinsengumi... Shit..."  
"Yeah. Vice-chief. Good guess."

Gintoki looks away from the two and his eyes slide over the other men. One of them looks like they're realizing something.  
"You got something to say?" asks Gin, and the man's eyes snap to his face. Gin grins. "Well you're gonna have to wait a bit. It's not your turn yet."  
Hijikata turns around and glares at Gintoki. "Shut up. Let him talk."  
The silver-haired man ignores the feeling it gives him to be the target of Hijikata's angry gaze, and does as told. As soon as the rag falls, the man starts begging: "Please don't kill us, we're sorry, okay? We're sorry for what we did!"  
"You're sorry?" growls Hijikata. "You're _sorry_? You think that's _enough_?" He unsheathes his sword and roars: "AFTER WHAT YOU DID TO ME?!"

"You're the one," says Shin in Gin's back. Both men turn to the drunkard and notice his stricken expression. "You're the one we raped."  
He looks at the other men, who are staring back at him with the same wide eyes as his. "Oh my god. We raped the demonic vice-chief." He slowly smiles and a wobbly laugh escapes him. "Ha... Haha... The demonic vice-chief! We fucked the demonic-"  
Hijikata kicks him in the chin and that cuts him off, but then he spits something red on the ground and smiles again. His yellowed teeth are tinged orange with blood.  
"Who knew the Shinsengumi's vice-chief was such a slut for anal? Haha, this is too good, you couldn't even resist us! You liked it, didn't you? Come on, admit it, you were hard-"

What happens next goes to fast for the men's eyes to follow until it's already done. Hijikata moves swiftly, a glint of metal rips through the air, and then Shin hiccups.  
Hijikata leans closer, his blade embedded in the man's stomach. "You made a big mistake choosing me as your target. You're gonna wish you were dead by the time I'm done with you."  
He then jerks his sword out of the man's body, whose pained screams echo through the hangar.

The others are breathing hard behind their rags, and the one who can talk starts panicking when Hijikata straightens: "Wait, wait a minute, I've got a daughter, you can't do this!"  
Gin leans in close to his face: "You've got a daughter? You? Is it even possible for trash to have kids?"  
The man's words get more frantic by the second: "Yes, I have one, she needs me, I'm the only one bringing her money and-"  
"Gin," says Hijikata quietly. Gintoki looks up and sees the cold look on his face, and he immediately steps away from the blubbering man. Hijikata steps closer to the man, who is now reduced to a sobbing mess.  
"Tell me who used the whip, and I'll let you go relatively unscathed."  
The man doesn't need to be told twice, and he immediately jerks his chin towards one of the gagged men. "It's him, it's Tanaka, just let me go please, let me go, I won't tell anyone I swear!"  
"You should've thought about that before you went and raped me. It's a lot more fun when you're the powerful one, huh? But you should be able to back up that position if you're going to play a game of power. You obviously aren't."  
"Please understand," the man tries again with a tearful voice, "my daughter..."  
"She's better off without a rapist as a father," says Hijikata.  
"If you tell anyone I'm a rapist, they'll know I raped you," replies the man, his tearful face morphing into that of desperate anger. "Don't you dare tell her."  
"You think you're in any position to tell me what to do?" growls Hijikata.  
"Oh, we're talking positions now? Last time I saw you, you were the one getting fucked from behind, so don't think you're so powerful you fucking slut," hisses Shin from behind them.

Gin sees Hijikata's face go completely livid with rage, and then he turns around and lunges at Shin, his sword slashing the man's chest, who howls in agony as a red line appears across his shirt and blotches progressively stain the clear fabric.  
"You," spits Hijikata  
as he slashes again,  
"think"  
and again  
"you"  
and again  
"can"  
and again  
"talk"  
and again  
"to"  
and again  
"me"  
and again  
"like"  
and again  
"THAT?"  
He plunges his sword downwards as he screams the last word and it sinks in the man's crotch. His scream becomes a bloodcurdling shriek as he desperately writhes against the ground, pinned down by Hijikata's sword.  
"YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT," yells Hijikata, and he twists the sword, an act which produces yet another scream of pain. "YOU PIECE OF SHIT," he repeats as he pulls out the sword and drives it back in, his yells accompanied by the man's howls, "YOU PIECE OF SHIT, PIECE OF SHIT, PIECE OF SHIT," and his blade sinks into the rapidly reddening fabric of Shin's pants again and again each time he repeats himself.

The other men stare on in horror as the drunkard's voice starts breaking with the strain of the pain, as his desperate movements slow down, and all of them wince when Hijikata raises his blade over his head and brings it down between the man's thighs. The drunkard's body spasms as he shrieks, and then his voice dies down into small sounds of overwhelming pain.  
Hijikata turns around, his body swaying slightly as his shoulders rise up and down from his heavy breathing, and the man without the gag shrivels up and starts whimpering when he sees the blood spatters on the vice-chief's clothes.

"All of you," Hijikata chokes out, "are going to die. How you ever thought you could get away with this goes beyond my understanding."


	11. Flaying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The castration in this part is pretty graphic so don't blame me if you start unconsciously reaching for your dick (real or imaginary) and wishing you hadn't read it.

He turns to the man called Tanaka and steps closer, but his steps aren't as controlled as before. Gin can tell this is all putting a strain on Hijikata's body. It's just like Shinpachi said, the vice-chief should be resting; but if this isn't over with as soon as possible, Hijikata probably won't want to lie down.

Hijikata bends down and grabs hold of the man's belt, tugging on it until it slides free. He opens his hand and looks at the piece of fabric, then at the man.  
"I heard you when you took this out. You thought it would be fun whipping me? After all, it made you feel good, right. That was what counted."   
Hijikata then presses the flat side of his sword against the man's side, whose breath hitches, and wipes it against his clothes before sheathing it. "I don't think I'll need my sword for you. For now, at least."  
He reaches for the man and pushes him forward, making him fall onto his front, and pulls down the man's pants. Hijikata can feel something dark and dangerous prowling around his mind, the urge of revenge oozing thick through his veins, pushing him closer to the edge, and there are thunderous whispers roaring in his mind and ears telling him to hurry, to make the man feel the humiliation he inflicted upon him. There is a well of wriggling, disgusting darkness inside of him and it's overflowing. The man is twisting around on the ground, his protests muffled by the gag, and Hijikata is well aware of Gin's gaze on him, but he doesn't care. 

"You're going to scream the way I screamed. Whipping is a lot less fun when you're on the receiving end."  
He brings his arm down and a crack resounds through the room, immediately followed by a grunt, and Hijikata feels his anger and resentment about to boil over again, just like it did when he was hacking away at the drunkard's dick. This man is going to scream.  
"Take off his gag, Gin."

The silver-haired man looks at Hijikata with a surprised look, as if taken aback by the sudden request, but he executes Hijikata's demand almost immediately.

Hijikata raises his arm again. "It's easier not to scream when you've got something to bite on, so let's try again."  
The belt whistles throught the air and the cracking sound rises again, and this time the man screams. Hijikata feels a thrill running down his body and up his spine, and he hits the man again. And again. Red welts appear across the man's rear, and Hijikata continues, indulging in the man's tortured screams.  
"Does it feel good?" he yells over the man's loud cries of pained distress, "Does it feel as good as it did when you whipped me?"  
He hits harder, and the man shakes his head frantically as he tries to repress his screams. And harder. And he keeps going, the welts start getting bloody, and Hijikata can imagine the very same thing happening on his own skin, and he shudders, but he doesn't stop. He can feel his shoulders tiring, and his lower body burning, and sweat dampening his back, but he doesn't stop. He doesn't know how long he whips the man, but it's not nearly long enough for what they did to him. It'll never be enough.  
The darkness of his mind is engulfing him, and he never wants to stop hurting them, inflicting them this pain, and even as he can feel his body tiring, even as he can see the skin on the man's rear giving way to muscles, his mind wants more, more, more, more than what they did to him, worse, so much worse they'll never be able to do this again.

Until he sees Gin's face in front of his and realizes his mouth is moving on its own and that the belt is gone from his hand, and he stops.  
Gin is staring at him with worried eyes, and he violently pushes the silver-haired man away from him, but he feels himself stumble back and notices that his body isn't responding the way it should. Finally his ears tune in and he hears Gin's voice next to him.  
"-kata, seriously, hey! Can you hear me?"  
He looks to his right, where the man's body is lying face down. Blood is pooling under him, but he's still alive. He's just not screaming anymore. Is he unconscious?  
Hijikata staggers towards the man and kneels down, almost toppling over from the suddenly too-real pain in his lower body, but he withstands it and rolls the man over. The man's eyes are half-open and hazy from the pain of his flayed rear, and he barely reacts when Hijikata slaps him.  
Hijikata looks at the three men left to torture, and they're all staring at him with obvious apprehension, yet they look a bit... hopeful.  
He feels rage flare up again in his chest. They think he's tiring. They think he's going to let them go. His eyes narrow and he stands up abruptly, staring straight into their eyes, and pulls out his sword. He sees their eyes widen but he doesn't leave them the time to look away when he cuts the man's penis clean off. The piece of flesh falls off the man's body as easily as a too-ripe fruit from a tree. He feels it peel off his blade and fall limply to the ground, and he smiles when the castrated man screams and the two conscious men gag. 

The stoned guy just looks indifferent to it all. Hijikata bends down and grabs hold of the lolling, bloody piece of skin and muscle, and limps towards the junkie. He grabs the man by the hair and thrusts it in his face, hissing: "Look at it."  
The man's hazy eyes focus onto the human body part and it seems to take him a moment before he realizes what it is. His eyes suddenly widen and uncomprehensible sounds rise from his throat until they form words: "Lemme go, lemme go!" He tries to wriggle away from Hijikata's hold but the vice-chief drops the dick square on his lap, and the junkie becomes hysterical. He doesn't make the effort to say words anymore and his screams are high-pitched, annoying sounds that sound dissonant to Hijikata's tired ears.  
The vice-chief swiftly drives his sword into the junkie's throat, and his screams die down to a gurgle, his eyes turning dim as death grabs hold of him.

Even if Hijikata wants to make the torture last, he also want to see them all die as fast as possible. And he's tired. He's really tired.  
So he throws the junkie's limp body to the side and stumbles to the side, steadying himself with the wall as he tries to take in deeper breaths. Gintoki is by his side in a second, asking him if he's all right.  
Hijikata nods wordlessly as he pants and gasps, and his eyes slide to the side where the two last men are sitting. They're staring at him like he's a weak thing, aren't they? They think he's weak. They think he's going to stop. They think they managed to make him into a defenseless mess, that they've broken the demonic vice-chief. They're wrong, he'll show them. He's not weak. He's not weak.  
He's _not_ weak.


	12. Faltering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter isn't about torture, so if you've been avoiding those this one is safe to read.

Gin follows Hijikata's gaze and his eyes land on the two men left unscathed. They look absolutely terrified, which he finds extremely satisfying, but it doesn't seem to be Hijikata's case. He looks upset, like he's so frustrated he could cry, and at the same time the murderous light in his eyes hasn't dimmed. Gin doesn't know what's happening in the man's head, but it doesn't look good. His body doesn't seem to be that well either, considering how short of breath Hijikata is. Gin can see the trembling of his legs, as well, and he's pretty sure Hijikata can't continue like this even if he wants to.

"Hijikata, you sure you don't want to take a breather?"  
The black-haired man shakes his head violently and gasps: "No... I have to finish this... They think I'm weak."  
Gin looks back at the men, then at Hijikata. "Pretty sure they're scarred for life, even if they don't have much of it left."  
Hijikata squeezes his eyes shut and gulps, the swaying of his body more noticeable by the minute. "I... I have to."

This is strange. Hijikata's been through much more pain before, so why is he so spent? Did the men damage him that much?  
"Hijikata, you sure you don't want to sit down?"  
"No," refuses the man. "I'm fine."  
He pushes Gin out of the way, but it's not with his usual strength. Gin watches him as he takes a difficult step forward, wavers, and bumps in the wall before sliding against it. The silver-haired man swiftly catches Hijikata before he hits the ground and helps steady him in a standing position.  
When he thinks the vice-chief is coherent enough, Gin repeats his words.  
"You have to sit down. Seriously, look at yourself. I'll finish the work, okay? Don't worry, I know a thing or two about torture. And then we can kill them all."  
Hijikata's head leans against the wall as he breathes hard, his eyes half-lidded from exhaustion, and then he nods slightly.

Gin smiles at him and helps him sit down, but then he stays crouched next to him for a very short while and asks: "Can I kiss you?"  
He sees a bit of conflict in the vice-chief's eyes as he takes a moment to answer, and he's not sure if the man is hesitating about his question or about the fact that he's letting Gin do the rest of their work.  
But then Hijikata opens his mouth, his eyes suddenly cold and resentful, and says: "...Fuck off."  
Gin feels something twist uncomfortably in his stomach. Why did he think Hiji would say yes? Hijikata would've said yes after making a bit of a fuss, before all of this happened. But now things felt different. Now it felt like a refusal Hijikata would never go back on.  
The silver-haired man is a bit uneasy, and he asks: "Are you mad at me?"  
Hijikata narrows his eyes at him, and even in his state he looks extremely threatening. "I'm... going to bite your throat out... if you keep asking me questions."  
Gintoki closes his mouth and nods before straightening and stepping away from Hijikata towards the men.

For the hundredth time in 24 hours, he wonders why he ever left Hijikata behind in such a vulnerable position, and for the hundredth time, he tells himself there's nothing he can do about it. No matter the excuses, no matter what he did or didn't think at the time, it was too late and he'd messed up. The only thing he could do was try and fix things.  
But still... If only he hadn't left him there. If he'd pulled up his pants. If he hadn't kept his wallet. If he hadn't stopped to eat the cakes. If he'd walked faster.  
If he'd realized the risks, the threat. The possibility.  
If he'd remembered that Hijikata was only human.

Gin snaps out of it. Now's not the moment to be guilt-tripping, not with Hijikata staring at his back.  
The two other men are staring at him with some kind of hope in their eyes, as if they're expecting him to tell them that they're going to leave okay or something.  
He smiles at them. "Sorry, guys. I'm not any nicer than him."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no cliffhangeeeer!  
> Next chapter is Gin's time to shine, unfortunately I've got exams to work on so I won't be updating for a while. I tried to write this as best as I could, and the torture is far from over. Of course, I'm still open to any and all suggestions for torture (DJYaz see I used your idea, and I intend to use more of them later). Thanks to everyone for your help, and lusentoj especially, you're really helping me out with the character writing.


	13. Gutting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning, the gore starts up again in this chapter.

Gin reaches for the hilt of his sword and his hand clenches around it with a slight clicking sound as he takes a step forward. The man without the gag lets out a hysterical whimper when he starts drawing out his sword very slowly, like he's got all the time in the world.  
Gin doesn't pay attention to him. His attention is entirely focused on the bloody shape of the drunkard. His feet stop in front of the man's body and he nudges it with the tip of his black boot.  
"Still alive?"

The man doesn't react to his voice. Gin crouches and pulls him around, so that he's lying with his back against the red-stained ground.  
"Huh." Gin peers at the stab wounds littering the man's body. Shin's eyes are open, but clearly dead.  
He straightens and turns around to stare at the two men on his right. "I told myself I'd gut him like a pig, but he's already dead."  
He steps up to the them, and an unsettling grin spreads across his features. "It's okay though, I'll just do it to one of you guys. You're pigs too."  
The man without the gag immediately starts begging for his life. "Don't kill me, don't kill me, please, my daughter, my daughter, ugh, she needs me," he sobs pitifully, and Gin digs his pinky finger into his ear, tired of hearing the man's incessant pleading.  
"Look, man," he says as he lowers his hand, "If I don't do it to you, then I'm doing it to you buddy here. You're fine with that?"  
The man next to him starts shaking his head frantically, grunting in panic with wide eyes from behind his gag. The crying man looks up at Gin with misty, incredulous eyes. "You're... asking me to choose?"  
"Yeah," answers Gin with a shrug. "I don't care either way. I just want to see one of you guys' guts spill on the ground."  
The man looks to his side, his eyes meeting the desperate gaze of the other, and he stares. His face is blank as he watches the gagged man struggle to free himself from his bonds, and then he turns his face back to the silver-haired man and says: "If you kill him, you'll let me live?"  
"Sure, yeah, if that's what you want," assures Gin with a nonchalant wave of the hand.  
The man looks down, and Gin notices the quivering of his heavy cheeks as he draws in a shaky breath. "Then..."  
The other starts screaming behind his gag, trying to lunge towards the man. Gin thinks he can make out some syllables that greatly ressemble _asshole_ , _don't_ and _bastard_.  
"...Him."

Gin smiles widely and he kicks the gagged man down, placing the tip of his sword against the man's throat. "You heard him."  
The man head-shaking intensifies and his screams becomes shrieks, but Gin presses the sword down on the skin and brutally slashes the man's body from top to bottom, neatly cutting him open. A horrible scream arises from the man and blood spills on his clothes, on the rope, on the ground.  
The other stares on with horror at the gray entrails glistening in the open cavity of the man's belly, his jaw slack with shock.  
"AHHHHHHH, GH- GUH, AHHHH," screams the man on the ground, and he doesn't stop screaming, the screeching and crying filling the air.

Gin flicks his sword clean of the blood, and looks over at Hijikata. The Shinsengumi vice-chief is panting heavily, but his burning eyes are trained on the writhing man. They don't say a word until the agonized sounds die down in broken, gurgling spurts and the fatally wounded man stops moving completely. It ends faster than Gin thought it would.

"Oh God, oh God," whispers the remaining live man. He can't seem to tear his eyes away from the other.  
"Yeah. But you're alive, right, that's all that counts!" laughs Gin.  
The man lifts his gaze up to the silver-haired man's maniacally smiling face, but he doesn't answer. He just looks terrified, and Gin wants exactly that.  
"Hijikata, what do you want to do with him?" asks Gin without looking away from the quaking man underneath him.  
"But, but you said you wouldn't kill me!" blubbers the man, and he's completely ignored.  
The black-haired man on the other side of the room pushes himself up with some difficulty and spits: "Make him pay... but keep him alive."  
Gin glances at him, surprised by the man's unexpected leniency. "You sure?"  
Hijikata nods. "He's got... a daughter," he says, clearly reluctant. "We can't make her pay for something she hasn't done."  
"...Right. That's not what you were saying earlier-"  
"Do as I say," hisses Hijikata with narrowed eyes.

Gin shuts it and contemplates the man. A fitting punishment which doesn't include death... Something that would allow the man's family to live but would punish him thoroughly. One thing's for sure, if they're leaving him alive they can't have him talking. However, using his blade will surely result in the man bleeding out.  
Gin looks around. There's a steel bar lying against the side of the wall in the corner, but the hearth isn't lit.  
"Hijikata, I'm going to need your lighter."  
The Shinsengumi vice-chief glances towards the black hearth and he seems to understand right away what Gin intends to do. He takes his lighter out and tosses it to Gin.

Soon, the fire flares up in the stacked chamber and Gin bends down to pick up the rebar.  
The man follows all of his movements with increasingly terrified eyes, and when he sees Gin put the rebar in the fire and stare at him with the same unsettling smile, he panics.  
"Wait, wait, what are you gonna do? I thought you said-"  
"I said you wouldn't die," interrupts Gin. "I didn't say you'd get out fine."  
"But I-"  
"Oh shut up, will you?" Gin lets go of the rebar and walks up to the man, picking up the forsaken gag that's lying next to him and forcing it back into the man's mouth despite his protests. "That's better. Now be good and don't make a sound."  
"Mmph-"  
Gin sends a powerful kick in the man's stomach and as he doubles over gagging, the silver-haired man repeats: "Be good and don't make a sound."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pumpkin. Exams are over, whew.  
> Anyways here is the second-to-last chapter about the torture part where there's actual graphic torture, which means we're soon going to start the Gin/Hiji relationship aspect to this story. I'm looking forward to writing it out! (I ended up using the disembowelment idea, so thanks for suggesting it)  
> Thanks for all your comments, guys, it's so motivating and great! Please keep telling me what you think about this story.


	14. Cauterizing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter about torture.

The man coughs and sputters behind his gag, trying to catch his breath, and Gin steps away from him. His gaze lands on Hijikata, who has straightened and is nearing the hearth. The stack of wood is crackling, incandescent, and its light gives the vice-chief's tired face a light glow, darkening the bags under his eyes and making his blue irises glint with hard loathing. The dark bangs of his hair stick to his humid forehead, his lips are pale, the muscles of his face taught with barely suppressed pain and hate.  
He wants to kill. It's obvious he wants to kill, so why spare this man's life? For a daughter they're not even sure exists?

Gin joins the other near the hearth and watches next to Hijikata as the end of the rebar slowly starts to glow. It's no use asking. Gin knows he won't understand Hijikata's reason, no doubt something to do with his line of work like restraint, honor, putting citizens' well-being before his own, that they can't afford to take the risk of leaving an orphaned daughter behind even if they're not completely sure she actually exists.

Whatever the reason, Gin doesn't mind. As long as the guy suffers and never tries to pull that kind of shit again, he's fine with it.

When he reckons that the steel bar is hot enough, he grabs the end that's jutting out of the hearth with his sleeve wrapped around it and tugs it out of the fire.  
He hears the man behind them whimper, and when he turns around he notices that the man has started crying again. Pathetic.  
Hijikata doesn't move and just watches as Gin gets closer to the man, pulling off the gag to let the man beg and grovel.  
"Please don't do this, please, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for what I did, I swear I won't do it again, please-"  
Gin slaps him and grabs him by the collar, pushing the burning end of the rebar mere centimeters away from his face and his streaming tears. The man shuts up immediately.

"Open your mouth."

The man shakes his head frantically.

"Either you do this, either you die."

The man screws his eyes shut, swallows convulsively, then opens his eyes and says: "I'd rather-"  
Gin doesn't let him finish and swiftly forces the rebar in the man's mouth. A sickening sizzling sound reaches their ears, immediately followed by an inhumane screech as the man flails and gags and howls. When the smell of scorched flesh rises around them, Gin retrieves the metal bar from the man's mouth and lets go of him, stepping back to assess the damage.  
The man falls to the side and guttural sounds escape him, and Gin can't tell if he's crying or trying to scream, but either way, it doesn't sound human anymore.

Good.

He kneels down and grabs the man by the hair, jerking his head up to face him. There's blood and drool all over his chin and clothes, and the man's eyes are hazy with agony. He doesn't seem to realize Gin's in front of him, still trying to speak or cry or... well, he's doing something, Gin just can't tell what.  
"All right, now that that's done, let's do something about that dick of yours, yeah?" says Gin, and the man's eyes widen, focusing on the silver-haired man's face. His bloody, charred lips start moving, but of course Gin doesn't understand what he says. Well, he knows what he's saying, but there's no point in trying to decipher the exact words because he doesn't care.

Gin hears the soft scrape of a blade sliding out of its scabbard next to his ear and he looks up at Hijikata. The black-haired man doesn't even glance at him, but he says quietly: "Take off his pants."

Gintoki nods and does as told, and the man struggles against him, but it's not like he can do much. Soon his lower body is naked and Gin holds his feet to prevent him from crawling away. Hijikata poises himself above the man, his blade hovering over his body.  
"Make sure you burn it as soon as it's cut," orders the vice-chief, and Gintoki nods again.  
The sounds fighting their way out of the man's throat become high-pitched and their rythm gets more and more irregular. His eyes are wide and terrified and trained on Hijikata's sword.  
Gintoki glances up at Hijikata when the vice-chief takes too long to bring down his sword, and the look he sees on the man's face makes his spine tingle with cold apprehension.

Hijikata is smiling. He's smiling, but his grin is unstable and a bit twisted and wobbly in the corners, like his face is about to fall at any moment. Like he doesn't know if he's laughing or crying.  
It's the smile of a lost man who's going crazy, the smile of a defiled man about to exact revenge on the last of the men who wronged him.

And then his arms spasm and the sword slices the man's penis clean off, leaving behind a split-second view of the few veins and arteries at the top of the section, the two dark red caverns on each side of it, the urethra, the skin and fibrous matter enveloping the whole. And then crimson spurts out and overflows, covering everything with blood. The man screeches and his body shakes and jumps like a fish out of the water, and his screech becomes a grating, broken, choked sound, like nails on a chalkboard, when Gin jerks forward and presses the burning end of the rebar against his bloody scrotum and sectioned penis. The same sizzling sound as earlier flares up, and this time the smell of blood and melting flesh is mixed with the stench of burning hair.  
Gin doesn't pull the rebar away, instead pushing it against the flesh even harder. He can see the skin changing consistencies, the blood darkening, the flesh melding into a charred, glistening mess.

And then he pulls away and throws the metal bar to the side, stepping back. The man is writhing on the ground, but he doesn't look like he's conscious enough to realize that. Gin is briefly reminded of a lizard's cut-off tail wagging on cold cement.  
Hijikata isn't stepping away. He keeps standing over the injured man, his eyes intensely fixated on his body. He's not smiling anymore. His face is blank, save for his blazing eyes. His sword is still hanging at his side, useless and dirtied.

It's enough, isn't it?  
They're all dead save this one, and Hijikata doesn't look like he wants Gin to do anything more.

Gin suddenly feels tired. It's over... There's nothing else to do. There's nothing else to do, nothing he can do to show Hijikata that he'll do whatever he asks for. He'll forgive him now, right?  
Despite thinking this, Gin has the dreadful feeling that his hopes are far from becoming reality.

"Hijikata..."  
He gets closer to the black-haired man, who doesn't react.  
"Hey, it's over. We got what we wanted, let's go."  
The man doesn't answer, so Gin reaches for his shoulder. When his hand touches the man's shoulder, there's no reaction at all, nothing like a twitch of the muscles or a start. Hijikata doesn't even shake off his hand or look at him.  
But he does articulate coldly and slowly, his voice dripping with warning: "Get your hand off of me."

Gintoki quickly retrieves his hand like he's been burned, and watches the man's face worriedly.  
"Hijikata, are you still mad?"  
"Get out." Hijikata's voice is quiet.  
"Hiji-"  
"Get out," he repeats, louder this time, his gaze still stuck on the man's heaving body, and Gin closes his mouth. The vice-chief's eyes are wide and blank, and there's nothing left of the flames that were raging in them just a while ago.  
A loud clattering sound reverberates suddenly and Gin notices that the black-haired man has let go of his bloody sword. He tries to reach out again, his voice soft when he calls out to Hijikata: "Hey, come on-"  
"I said GET OUT!" roars Hijikata as he whips around, his fist catching Gin square in the jaw.  
The silver-haired man's vision flickers and he stumbles to the side, and as he steadies himself he rubs the side of his face, feeling anger invade him.  
"You fuckin-" He stops short when he sees Hijikata's expression.

He looks haggard, and his hands reach up to his face.  
He stays completely immobile like this for a while, and Gin doesn't dare approach him. He has no idea of what he should do.

Then Hijikata's hands lower and  
his eyes are cold and pained and full of absolute loathing that hits Gin a lot harder than the punch did.

Hijikata takes a step back, picks up his sword.

Then he raises it and says: "If you don't get out right now, I'm killing you like I killed them. You don't deserve any better, you bastard."

Gin raises his hands defensively, and he feels like this is a replay from the scene at the odd jobs earlier. "Wait, Hijikata, I just-"

"Get out." Hijikata's hands clench around his sword.

Gin stares at the man's face. There's no trace of doubt or indecision, just cold determination and rage to kill.  
So he nods slowly and lowers his arms.  
Turns around.  
Walks.  
Pauses.

He looks behind and gestures towards the man weakly twisting on the ground, asking: "What are you going to do with him?"  
Hijikata's eyes narrow and he jerks his sword towards the exit.

Gin looks away and starts walking again, leaving the bloody mess of corpses and cut up body parts behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pumpkin.  
> Yup, last chapter about gore and violence and stuff, which means now we're onto the main course: the relationship between Hijikata and Gin. I have no idea how it's gonna play out yet, but I know it's going to include mayonnaise at one point, and that it's not going to be easy for either of the guys.  
> Thanks for reading, leave a comment if you feel like it!


	15. Tiring

Hijikata watches the silver-haired man leave, his blade still pointed towards his back. He keeps the sword straight and unwavering until the blue and white yukata stained with crimson finally vanishes from his sight. Then he slowly lowers his weapon and lets his arms hang limply at his sides.

He looks around him, taking in the state of the hangar. There is blood smeared all over the ground, the bodies and their lost body parts littered across the room. It still smells like burning flesh. The last surviving man is still writhing weakly on the ground, like a fat caterpillar about to die on the sidewalk under a glaring sun.

Hijikata suddenly feels like throwing up.

He does so right where he stands, his sword clattering to the ground when he hits the floor on all fours. His knees can't hold him anymore. The pain drawn in lines across the back of his thighs, the burning throbbing in his lower body, and the nausea rolling in his stomach are just too great.  
When did he become unable to withstand this kind of thing?  
How did he become like this?

 _I'm not weak,_ he thinks vehemently as he wipes his mouth on his sleeve, ignoring the spatters of blood on it when he does so. _I'm not._

His eyes catch sight of one of the corpses at the far end of the hangar. The man is staring straight at him with the clouded eyes of a dead fish, but Hijikata can see the mocking smile in them.  
He clenches his jaw, his eyes narrowing at the unmoving drunkard. Even in death, the man seems to be taunting him.

"I'm NOT weak," he growls.

The corpse just stares back at him with an empty gaze.

For a brief, searing moment, Hijikata remembers how powerless he was. He remembers how much it hurt, how humiliating it was, the feeling of their hands on him-

"FUCK!" he screams, the knuckles of his clenched fist hitting the ground with a dull thud. Pain radiates through his fingers and up his arm, and he does it again.  
"FUCK!"  
He hits the ground again, to interrupt his own thoughts.  
"FUCK!"  
His knuckles sting, and his knees are still feeling weak. He remembers the way they held him. The way they laughed.  
"FUUUUUUUCK!"  
This time, he hits the ground harder than before, and when he pulls his hand away, there's fresh blood left behind.

He leans back on his knees and stares at the back of his hand. Two of his knuckles have lost their skin, and his hand is bleeding, but he doesn't feel the pain. He doesn't feel it at all.  
How did it happen?  
How could it have?

How could he have let them do that to him?

"Fuck..."  
He wishes it wasn't the case, but his voice sounds broken even to his own ears. He doesn't like the way it makes him sound.

_Weak._

He looks up at the dead drunkard, then at the three other dead man.  
They're dead.  
They're dead, yet he can still hear them laughing. He can still hear their voices loud and clear, with their dirty, loud, throaty laughs and their taunting words. He can hear it all.

But they're dead, and they suffered.  
Oh, they suffered.

It's what Hijikata wanted.  
Gin helped him get it.  
But he's not satisfied.

There's nothing else to do, aside from killing the last one, but despite feeling the way he does Hijikata knows there would be no point. It wouldn't satisfy him either. There's a dark, dark hole in him he didn't use to have before.... _it_ all happened, and it's gaping and hungering for something Hijikata isn't able to fill it with. He doesn't know what it is. He doesn't know if it's even possible to find anything like the thing that hole needs.

_I feel like shit._

Hijikata just wants one thing right now, it's to drag himself home and get in his bed. He doesn't want to do anything else. He just wants to be alone in a quiet, dark place.

He reaches to his side and grabs his sword, and labouriously pushes himself back to a standing position. He'd hate for anyone to see him like this.

_You've already been seen at your worst._

Hijikata shakes his head clear of the displeasing thought and limps over to the sole survivor of this whole slaughter, pressing his foot to the man's head.  
The man's eyes flutter upwards, and they seem lost in another world.

A world of pain.

Hijikata feels a cruel smile twist his features as another cold and visceral thrill runs up his spine. He doesn't know where this is all coming from, but the twisted feelings elicited by the sight of this bloody, burned and broken mess of a human being are swallowed by the dark hole in his chest, so fast that he doesn't even think of dwelling on them.

He nestles the tip of his blade under the man's chin to make sure his gaze stays fixated on his own and slowly says: "Listen well, you bastard."  
He pushes slightly on his sword, the cutting edge sinking into the man's skin.  
"If you ever cross my path again, I will make you suffer so much that you won't even understand the pain I will inflict you."  
A red drop trickles down the man's neck from the new wound on his body, soon followed by another, and as the blood thickens the trickling becomes a steady red line.  
"Let all of this be a warning to you: if I ever see you again, you'll wish we'd just killed you the first time around, daughter or no daughter," finishes Hijikata.

He pulls his sword away, flicks it clean of the blood and slides it back in its sheath. The man's head lolls to the side, breaking the eye contact between the two. Hijikata stares at him in contempt, and then he turns around. His gaze lands on the burning hearth. The flames still haven't died down.

He feels himself getting drawn to the fire, and as he gazes at the hypnotic movement of the dancing flames, he suddenly feels extremely weary.  
He briefly considers setting fire to the hangar, himself included.  
The thought disappears as fast as it came, and he slowly blinks.

_I should go._

His feet turn him around and he starts slowly walking towards the hangar's door. He drags his feet across the hangar, not bothering to look at the corpses anymore, and his hand settles on the warm metal handle of the door. He pushes against it, feeling shortly astounded by how heavy he finds it to be compared to earlier, and immediately ignores the thought. He's tired, and he needs to rest. That's all there is to it.

The air outside is a lot colder. Hijikata doesn't close the hangar behind him. He doesn't care about that place anymore. He just needs to go home and sleep.  
He limps out in the street, the blood on his clothes completely forgotten. He doesn't think about the fire in the hearth anymore, or of the corpses in the hangar. He doesn't think about Gin. He just thinks that he would really, really like to sleep. He's tired, too tired for anything.  
Too tired to notice or to think.  
He just wants to reach his home and sleep.

Really, that's all he wants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pumpkin.  
> Hijikata's in a really bad place right now. Let's just hope that Gin won't be too stupid about it.  
> Thanks for reading, leave a comment if you feel like it!


	16. Everything's gonna be fine, probably

The dissimulating darkness of the street hides Gin from Hijikata's eyes when the Shinsengumi vice-chief stumbles out of the hangar, his arms losely hanging at his sides as he wanders out in the street like a lost ghost. From where he stands, Gin can't see the man's expression very well, but it's clear to him that Hijikata needs to lie down and rest. His shape keeps wobbling unsteadily while he limps up the street, and Gin doesn't feel like he can let Hijikata go home alone.

Instead, he decides to follow from a distance. He doesn't doubt that in any other situation, Hijikata would notice his presence behind him in a few seconds and try to kill him right after that, but with the state the man is in right now, Gintoki thinks he doesn't need to worry about being seen. This suspicion turns out to be true as, by the time Hijikata reaches the Shinsengumi's street, he hasn't turned around even once. Gintoki watches the man as he slowly steps off the road and circles around the building to avoid the main entrance. His dark figure stumbles a bit, and when he reaches one of the smaller gates, Gintoki sees him struggle with getting it open. His shoulders make erratic movements as Hijikata seemingly misses the handle, or can't get a a grip of it. After what Gintoki interprets as four tries from the distance where he stands, Hijikata finally manages to open the gate and slips inside the Shinsengumi HQ's walls.  
Gintoki stealthily slips closer to the gate, keeping an alert ear for any unusual sounds. He hears Hijikata's footsteps rustling the grass, and then the typical sound of a shoji sliding open and shut. Then silence falls around him.

When all seems safe and normal enough to him, Gin nods to himself slightly and turns on his heels to return to the hangar. As much as he'd like to go home to Kagura and possibly Shinpachi and sleep, he needs to make sure everything's cleaned up. He's pretty sure it would be better if the Shinsengumi didn't catch wind of what had happened in there. All he needs to do is scatter the bodies. Simple.

Or not.

Luring them around these places, knocking them out and dragging them to the hangar wasn't too complicated, but now that he has to handle all their dead weight and carry them in different parts of the town... He's almost ready to give up as he dumps the junkie's body in the back alley next to the bar, careful not to be seen. It's very, very late (or very, very early) so there's not many people around, and even less ones that are conscious enough to remember what they've seen, but he remains cautious.  
He straightens out his back, glancing at the corpse's glassy eyes. Yeah, he's ready to give up, but he can't. He doesn't want Hijikata to be linked to all these... slaughters. And of course, he doesn't want anyone to know that he was implied as well.

On the second trip, carrying the flayed body of the man that was called Tanaka on his back, he decides that he'll leave the most mutilated corpse in the hangar. Sure, there's a lot of blood on the ground, but the many wounds Shin has on his body could eventually explain the quantities of blood left behind.  
That way, Gin just needs to make two more trips.

The sole survivor of the massacre is unconscious, so handling him is a lot easier than Gin has anticipated. He's the one who works at the carpenter's, so Gin figures he'll just leave him somewhere between the bar where he found him and the carpentry. The guy'll surely find his way home once he wakes up. Gin doesn't feel like babysitting the filthy piece of trash who wounded Hijikata, no matter how mangled and how close to death, especially since he's almost a hundred percent sure that the daughter doesn't exist. He just doesn't believe it. If she had existed, the man would've at least said her name once, considering the number of times he mentioned her existence.  
But this is what Hijikata wants, and Gin can't kill this man. He doesn't resist the temptation to kick the man in the gut, however, even if he's out of it. Gin isn't above that kind of act.

When he's done and goes back to the hangar one last time to check that everything's in the right order, the sky's dark cover has lightened in a shade of dark purple, and Gintoki can hear the first sounds of the town's life forms waking up. He needs to hurry back home: somehow, he feels it would be a pretty bad thing to be seen with blood on his clothes.  
The hearth is cold and ashen by now, and the smell of death is starting to permeate the hangar's air. It's already becoming stronger than the scent of blood.  
Gintoki's eyes sweep over the gory scene once more, and then he firmly shuts the door close. He's not sure anyone even checks this old hangar from time to time, what with the building being on the verge of falling apart in bits of cement and rust. The smell will probably alert others about something strange going on inside, and who knows when someone will have the idea to actually look and see what the source of it is.

The silver-haired man bounds down the streets at a swift pace, and he crosses the path of only two people on the way back, which he avoids both times.  
_Luck of the devil_ , he tells himself with a little smile.  
Ten minutes later and he would've had more to deal with. A lot of people rise early around the Kabuki District.

He slides open the door to his home as discreetly as possible and closes it just as quietly, so that neither Kagura nor Sadaharu notice his return. Then he slinks to the bathroom, turns on the sink's faucet, takes off his soiled clothes, cuts off the stream, dumps them in the water to soak, rinses off the blood on his shoes as best as he can, and goes to lie down.

But he doesn't go to sleep just yet.  
Hijikata's loathsome eyes are burned into his brain, as well as his haggard, pale face and his broken way of walking. His limping. His catatonic state after ... it happened. His voice, cold and unforgiving as he forbade Gin to touch him. His refusal to kiss, and although Gin will readily admit that the situation wasn't very favorable to that kind of behaviour at the time, it still worries him a bit: not that Hijikata refused him, but the way in which he did.  
Gintoki is worried that Hijikata will stay mad at him for a longer while than usual, but the thought that Hijikata might never forgive him doesn't even cross his mind that night. Later, the thought will invade him and won't leave him alone, but not now. Right now, to Gin, it doesn't even belong to the realm of possibilities. Right now, to Gin, Hijikata is the same as before, albeit very, very mad at him to the point of really wanting to kill him. Right now, to Gin, what happened to Hijikata damaged him mostly physically. Surely.

Because, after all, Hijikata's strong. He's the demonic vice-commander. He's a man Gintoki has never seen fall down and not get up, that he's never seen break down completely, a man that remains proud and strong no matter the hardships he goes through. ...Right?

Even after the phase where he was unreactive, Hijikata was back to his lively self, so Gin probably doesn't need to worry about it. Gin probably doesn't need to worry about the strange look Hijikata had in the hangar. It's probably a thing that will go away after some time, like a broken bone, a sickness or a flesh wound.

So right now, to Gin, there's just no way Hjikata won't forgive him, because Hijikata and him share a relationship no one else knows about. There's just no way that it could end just like that. He knows Hijikata likes him.  
He'll be mad for a while, and maybe he'll be just a little different because of all he went through, but in the end he'll forgive Gin, surely.

Gin will make things better between them. What he did was wrong, he went too far and he knows it, and he feels incredibly guilty for it, and he remembers how scared the unresponsive Hijikata made him earlier, and he wishes he hadn't left him behind, but he'll make things better and Hijikata will forgive him. If killing the men didn't work...

 _I'll bring him mayonnaise tomorrow_ , Gin promises himself.

Feeling reassured by this new goal, the man falls asleep soon after thinking about it.  
It takes him an hour to reach that conclusion and stop replaying Hijikata's odd behaviour in a loop, and to Gintoki's tired mind, offering mayonnaise is as effective a way as killing the men to earn Hijikata's forgiveness. Once he falls asleep, Gintoki sleeps a solid, dreamless sleep and doesn't wake up until noon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pumpkin.  
> Yeah, Gin's pretty clueless about this whole thing.  
> Thanks for reading, leave a comment if you feel like it!


	17. Hating is better

Hijikata's night doesn't go nearly as well as Gintoki's. The first thing he does upon entering his room and closing the shogi behind him is sliding down, holding his katana close to his chest.

His eyelids are heavy. His body hurts. His bones feel weary.

He doesn't go to bed just yet, though. He doesn't think he can muster the strength to walk up to it. Lying against the wall is enough for now.

He crosses his arms over his knees and lowers his head, trying to ignore the burning sensation of the welts on his thighs and backside.  
They're dead.  
They're _dead_.  
So why does he feel afraid?

He should have killed that man in the end, and he should have killed Gintoki too.  
Gintoki...  
Hijikata bites his lower lip, and clenches the sheath of his katana in his hand. 

How could he have...  
Did he not understand anything? How could he have asked to kiss, after what Hijikata had been through? How dared he touch him so freely, like they were just fine? How could he even think that everything was going to be the same after that?

Why had he done it?  
Why had he left Hijikata alone like that?

Was it a punishment or something? Or did he think it would be exciting?  
They both like rough sex, but something like that just- it just-

An agonized whimper escapes Hijikata when he remembers yet again, and his free hand tightens around his arm. He can feel humiliated tears about to spill again, heat growing under his skin and dampening his clothes. He can feel throbbing in his rear, a disgusting pain he wishes could just disappear and stop reminding him of what had been inside of him. Doing it with Gin already hurt a great deal when the man was really into it, but those motherfuckers had been viscious. He'd felt his body rip in two. And their hands... Their hands...  
Hijikata shivers and curls up onto himself even more. He can still feel their hands. If only he could peel off his skin. If only he could hurt them and kill them all over again. If only he'd never fooled around with Gin in the first place. Why had he even helped him with that fucking stupid cat?

He thought that he and Gin had something, so why had Gin left him behind?  
Hijikata wishes he'd never fallen for the man. Gintoki is an irresponsible, stupid, selfish, rough, incompetent asshole, and yet Hijikata couldn't help liking him.  
Hijikata lets go of his katana, which clatters on the ground, and lifts both of his hands to his head. There's no way he can forgive Gin after this. He's forgiven him so many times before, but this isn't like spending Hijikata's money for stupid bets or stealing his food because he doesn't have any left or forgetting they were supposed to meet up or running away from responsibilities.  
What happened this time twisted Hijikata's insides, made him fall apart in front of others, made him a wretched mess, made those men think he was weak. And it was all Gin's fault.

Hijikata's fingers go rigid and his nails scratch through his hair like claws, the air around him suddenly thin as the appalled grief in his chest turns into breathtaking anger.

That fucking piece of shit. How could he have done that and still act the way he did?  
The feeling of betrayal sits heavily in Hijikata's chest like a dark, viscous poison, spreading through his veins and filling up his head.  
What Gin did is unforgivable. Hijikata promises himself he will never, ever trust the man again. There's no way he can like him anymore, not after this, not after what he did. Hijikata prefers hating him. This hate inside of him, it makes him feel stronger and less afraid. Less dependable.

It's not much, but it fuels him to stand back up, albeit a bit shakily, and walk over to his bed. He lets himself fall across the sheets, and closes his eyes.  
He knows he's extremely tired, but his body and mind won't cut him a break. He feels the blood pulsing through his body, his heart beating loudly in his chest, and the shortness of his breath. Even though he feels himself sinking very, very slowly in a darker, quieter place, he can't sleep soundly. His mind keeps looping the feeling of hands on him and the way they pushed into him while all he could see was the grass on the ground and the wall underneath him. He keeps waking up with a start just when he's about to fall asleep, heart hammering away in his chest and lungs craving air until he opens his eyes and gasps.

It's an agonizingly long, painful, and nervous night for Hijikata, and when the sun rises, he's barely slept at all. His eyes flutter open, and when he pushes himself up, he's hit with the heart-dropping reminder that all that he dreamt about over the night was real when his eyes catch sight of the dirty, bloody smears all over his clothes and sheets.

He sits up completely, puts his elbows on top of his knees and squeezes his eyes shut, taking deep breaths to ward off the sensation of panic and horror that threatens to engulf him.  
The rational side of his brain, although rendered brittle by the cracks in his mind from yesterday's ordeal, tells him that he most likely smells horrible and should take a shower. He decides to put the rational side of his brain in charge for now and mechanically rises from his bed to go to the bathroom. Listening to his rational thoughts is good, he tells himself absentmindedly, it'll allow him to act normal. If he follows his usual routing, he'll avoid the memories nagging at his brain.

He knows they're right there, but he can ignore them.  
He's sure he can. He's strong enough to do that.

He doesn't pay much attention to the feeling of the burning water on his skin, focusing on the white tile in front of his face instead. His mind doesn't let any kind of thought to wander inside, aside from one objective: next step is getting ready for work. He can't let the others think anything's wrong with him, and he can't let dead men control him. He needs to go beyond what happened, do things the way he usually does them, live his life undisturbed. 

The fear gripping his guts is nothing. It doesn't matter. It's over, there's nothing to do about it. He just needs to forget about what... happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pumpkin.  
> Hijikata's thoughts are tough to write, but I don't know if they're tougher than Gin's. At least Hiji's make sense... Gin's are really hard to write in a logical way.  
> Oh, and by the way, thanks for reaching 100 kudos! That means two of my stories have reached that number, and are interesting for many people, which really makes me glad! Thanks everyone!  
> And thank you for reading this chapter as well, leave a comment if you feel like it!


	18. It's not only anger

Something cold and wet lands on Gin's head and he wakes up with a snort. Everything around him is a weird shade of dirty paleness, and for a brief moment he thinks he might've gone blind over the night, but the moment is gone as soon as he hears Kagura's loud voice right above his head.  
"You're gross, Gin! How are we supposed to clean up with that thing in our sink?!"

The man blinks confusedly, wiping a string of saliva away from his mouth as pushes himself up on an elbow, and then he pulls away the thing covering his head. He soon recognizes the clothes in his hand to be the ones he was wearing last night. Right. The blood... The torture and the screams. Right.

He looks up at the redhead towering over him, struggling to completely gather his wits about him, and smiles awkwardly. "...Sorry?"  
Her eyes narrow and she whacks him on the head, his face colliding with the floor at the speed of sound. "You're an idiot! I don't care what you and Hijikata do without us, but at least don't go showing off your bloody clothes right in front of our faces! We're worried enough as it is," she finishes, her voice a bit too tense to be simply angry. She sounds kind of upset.

Kagura doesn't often show this kind of concern, but the scene she saw last night makes it hard for her not to feel like this. The way Hijikata behaved scared her, not because he tried tearing the walls down upon waking up, but because of the empty expression he had before falling asleep. Just like it isn't like her to act so worried, it wasn't like him to act so defenseless. Anything could've happened and he wouldn't have reacted, the total opposite of his usually fast reflexes.

Gin looks at the stained yukata in his hands. The smears of blood have faded quite a bit, but he really needs to wash it seriously if he wants to wear it again. Then he looks back up at the girl standing in front of him.  
"Sorry about that," he apologizes again. "Don't worry, we didn't get hurt."  
She frowns. "I wasn't really worried about you, more about Hijikata. Is he okay?"  
"Probably," answers Gin with a shrug. "But he's mad at me."

She crouches down at eye level with him and asks: "What did you do to him, really?"  
Gin frowns, realizing that Kagura doesn't know what happened. He'd thought that wasn't the case, since she'd said that Hijikata had talked about it when he'd woken up. But then what _did_ Hijikata say upon waking up last time?  
"Kagura, what did Hijikata say last night? You know, when he punched the wall, what were the "things he said" you were talking about?"  
She tilts her head. "Well, he was mostly yelling about how you were an asshole and a traitor. He kept saying things like "I trusted him, that fucking bastard, how could he do that", and he punched the walls like this," she says, mimicking the man's deeper pitch of voice and the violence he'd unleashed on the wall. "Shinpachi probably understood better than me, though, because he looked really troubled by it. What did he mean by that? Why'd you let him down?"

Gin looks down again, suddenly feeling suffocated by the familiar feeling of guilt he felt time and time again the day before. Betrayal. This was what Hijikata's cold behaviour was about. He should've known that this was different from the rest, that Hijikata's unforgiving gaze was serious. Of course he's fucked Hijikata over countless times before, and he's had to face the Shinsengumi vice-chief's wrath on more than a few occasions, but Hijikata has never mentioned betrayal in all the time they've known each other.   
This is so much worse than what Gin first thought. This is how Hijikata sees things, even if Gin doesn't completely understand it, and he knows deep down that Hijikata isn't in the wrong. Maybe he deserves to be called a traitor. This is bad, because even if he doesn't fully comprehend why Hijikata has such an unforgiving behaviour, he knows that this might be the end of their relationship in all of its aspects.

How could he have thought that everything would be all right? He can't blame tiredness for it. He was just too foolish to face the truth and had wallowed in wishful thinking because it was the easy thing to do. Just because Hijikata had snapped out of his passive and unreactive state, because he'd gone back to having more normal reactions like yelling and trying to kill him, Gin had somehow convinced himself that everything was going to be fine. But it's not true, he knows it isn't, and the guilt he felt so strongly the day before is unfurling in waves and overwhelming him, making it harder to breathe.

Gin wants to apologize to Hijikata right now, right this instant, the words on the tip of his tongue and fighting to fly past his lips. He genuinely wants to be forgiven, even if he doesn't grasp the entirety of what he's done to Hijikata, but he can't apologize because it's Kagura who's facing him and not the man he wants to see most in the world in that moment. The girl is still gazing at him, waiting for an answer to her question.

He shakes his head and stares into the girl's blue eyes. "I don't think I can tell you."  
"Why not?" she retaliates.  
"Because it's too important, and you wouldn't want to know. If I told you, you'd regret it."  
"Oh..." She leans back on her heels, a disappointed and mostly apprehensive expression on her face. "Is it really that bad?"  
"Yes," says Gin firmly. "Just as Shinpachi said yesterday, I... Well, I fucked up in the worst way possible."

This isn't just about Hijikata being mad. This is about betrayal. It's on a whole other level apology-wise, if that's how much Hijikata resents Gin for what he's done. They have a close relationship, although it's mostly physical, and they've trusted each other with their lives before. This is turning out to be more complicated than Gin first thought, and it looks like he'll have to beg on his knees if he ever wants to be forgiven.

 _Maybe that'll never happen_ , he realizes with a shock. Maybe Hijikata doesn't even want to give him a chance to make things better between them.

Gintoki shakes his head, ignoring the thought, a thought that will grow bigger and stronger as time goes on.  
For now, he has to at least try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pumpkin.  
> So, I'm facing a bit of a problem right now. I'm having slight trouble these days with writing this story. I'm not saying I'm giving up on it or anything! It's just going to be an even slower updating schedule for a while, at least until my writer's block goes away. Let's all pray for my muse to return soon.  
> Thanks for reading, leave a comment if you feel like it!


	19. Mayonnaise

Hijikata leaves the building as fast as he can that morning. He decides patrolling is the only thing he can really do without acting out of sorts. He doesn't try to think about anything on his way around the district. His body is set on autopilot as he stalks the streets, and he doesn't hear the bustling of civilians around him, doesn't see the shops, the signs and the cars rolling down the road. He doesn't notice the presence of another black-suited officer across the road. He doesn't hear the officer calling out to him, and he doesn't see him crossing the road either. And then, suddenly, the man is right in front of him. Hijikata jolts out of his transe-like state just in time and narrowly avoids a collision, his head snapping up to meet the officer's eyes. He relaxes when he recognizes the officer, and lets go of his sword with an internal sigh of relief.

It doesn't escape Officer Todo's notice, however, and his eyes linger shortly on Hijikata's sword before he resumes speaking. "...Sorry, Vice-Commander, did I scare you? "  
"You surprised me," states Hijikata. "I didn't hear you coming."  
"I see," says the officer, without showing how intrigued he is by the Vice-Chief's unusual lack of attention.  
"Did you want something?"  
The officer straightens, remembering what his intentions were. "Oh, yes, I was going to ask you what you were doing in your outfit. I was told you'd be on break for a few days."  
At those words, Hijikata feels like the air in his lungs is suddenly missing. Did they learn about... No, it can't be. No way. No way did that motherfucker tell them about it. Gin would know doing that was a bad idea, even if he's a fucking idiot there's no way he's _that_ stupid... right?  
"Who told you that?" growls Hijikata.  
The officer seems taken aback by the sudden threat in the Vice-Chief's voice. Witholding Hijikata's cold, glinting eyes with some difficulty, he answers: "It was more of a general information than a conversation I had with someone. So... you're not on break then?"  
"No," growls Hijikata, who feels like hitting someone. And even if they don't know about what happened, since when does he, the demonic Vice-Commander, take breaks from work so erratically? Who the fuck decided this was okay?

The officer takes a cautious step back, away from the fuming Vice-Chief. Like any other Shinsengumi officer, he's learned to detect the waves of anger that Hijikata occasionally emits and avoid the violence consequent to these waves.  
"...Maybe you should, um, see with the Commander?" ventures the officer, and then immediately shuts up when Hijikata glares at him.  
"Yeah, I'll do that," growls Hijikata before pushing past the officer.  
The confused officer watches him storm off without a word and soon finds himself alone in the street.  
_

Kondou drops his pen when the door to his office slams open, revealing an extremely irritated Hijikata.  
"Who said I was taking a break?" roars the man, whose furious voice can be heard throughout the whole building.  
Kondou lifts up both hands in an appeasing manner. "Calm down, Toshi, what's the matter?"  
Hijikata paces across the floor and slams his palms down on the desk. "I'm not off-duty today, I've never asked to be for a single day in my life and you damn well know that!"  
"Toshi, I said calm down," repeats Kondou as he lowers his arms. "Take a seat and breathe."  
His Vice-Chief glowers at him for a bit before he violently pulls back a chair and complies.  
"One of the officers told me I was supposed to be taking a break, why's that?" snarls Hijikata with a defiant stare.  
Kondou raises his eyebrows. "Aren't you supposed to be resting right now?"  
"Fuck rest," spits his underling. "What I want to know is why you decided that I should take a break!"  
"The Yorozuya guy told me you'd gotten into trouble and needed to take a few days off, so I said it was okay. Why, was he lying?"  
"Tch, of course it's that asshole," grumbles Hijikata without answering the Chief's question. "I knew it."  
"Was he lying?" insists Kondou.  
Hijikata looks up at him, and something in his eyes tells Kondou that even if Hijikata denies it, Gintoki wasn't lying. Kondou has seen enough traumatized warriors in his life to know that the man sitting across from him has the look of the haunted.  
"It's all bullshit, whatever he told you," says Hijikata. "What _did_ he tell you?"  
"He said you'd run into trouble with a group of people and needed to take some time for yourself."  
"He didn't say anything else?"  
"No. Toshi, why are you saying he was lying? It seems to me all he said wasn't completely untrue, you seem tired."  
"You can't trust him," answers Hijikata while averting his eyes. "Don't listen to him, I'm fine."  
Kondou watches his Vice-Commander thoughtfully, studying the palor of his face and his fleeting gaze. Then he clasps his hands together and leans forward. "I don't think you are."  
Hijikata's head jerks up and he glares at him, but he doesn't answer.  
"What really happened?" asks Kondou.  
"Nothing you should know of."  
"Why are you so agitated?"  
"It's nothing. Sorry for busting in like that," says Hijikata as he makes a move to leave.  
"Toshi, you can't just-"

The two men are interrupted by a knock on the door, which soon reveals Yamazaki's interrogative face.  
"Oh, Vice-Chief. They told me you were in here. Someone left a cart of mayonnaise outside, so I thought it was for you."  
"Mayonnaise?" growls Hijikata, his fist clenching and unclenching around his sword.  
Yamazaki notices his threatening stance and he nervously straightens. "Yes, mayonnaise. The Kewpie brand."  
"Who left it there?"  
"We don't know."  
"Then leave it."  
"Is it not for you?" asks Yamazaki with a hesitant voice.  
"I said leave it," orders Hijikata sternly.  
"Yes sir-"  
"Hey, Yamazaki, there's a second one!" calls out another officer.  
Yamazaki leans back in the direction the voice came from. "Did you see who it was?"  
"It's the Yorozuya guy."

Kondou can practically see Hijikata's nerves snap at the mention of the silver-haired man, but before he can stop him, the Vice-Chief brutally pushes Yamazaki out of the way and leaves the office.  
The remaining officer shoots the Commander a lost look and asks: "What's going on?"  
"I don't know," earnestly answers Kondou. "We should go take a look."

Hijikata strides out of the Shinsengumi building and stops at the portal, seething in boiling anger and rancor. That fucking idiot. Does he really think this is enough? Does he think this makes up for what he did?  
His fingers continue to curl and uncurl around the hilt of his sword. If Gin thinks he can come to his workplace so freely after what he did, then he's got another thing coming.  
He looks over at the cart on his left which is overflowing with bottles of mayonnaise. If Gin thinks _mayonnaise_ is enough of an apology...  
Fuck, Hijikata doesn't even want those bottles. He's got too many things creeping and crawling around in his head to think about eating in the first place, even mayonnaise.

His head snaps back to the front and he narrows his eyes when his gaze focuses on the silver-haired moron pulling a full cart along the road. His lips pull back in a snarl and he grabs hold of the cart next to him.

Gintoki notices a shadow ahead of him quickly growing larger and closer to his position, and he barely has the time to look up and dodge before the flying cart explodes in the exact spot he was standing on just a second ago.  
As he rolls to the side, bottles hit the ground around him like missiles, splattering yellow glistening masses across the road which he can't completely avoid. When he jumps back on his feet, mayonnaise is dripping down several spots on his clothes and he can feel something wet on the side of his head. He hears a man scream in surprise, and a woman as well, but he doesn't look at the shocked faces around him.  
All he can see is the Shinsengumi Vice-Commander drawing closer, crushing the pieces of plastic bottles under the soles of his feet without a glance.

"You fucking bastard," snarls Hijikata. "What _is_ this?"  
"Mayonnaise," answers Gin earnestly. "For you."  
"What do you want me to with _mayonnaise_?" spits the man in contempt. "How do you even have the balls to come here, at my workplace, like everything's fine?"  
"I just want to apologize."  
"You better run."  
"Hijikata, I'm sorry, I really am."  
"Right now. Run."  
"Listen, I know I fucked up, I'm sorry!"  
"All right." Hijikata pulls out his sword. "You asked for it."

"No, no, wait!" cries out Gintoki before the man's sword rushes up to his face. He narrowly jumps to the side and hears the sword swish right next to his ear, and then he stumbles backwards and raises his hands in a sign of surrender.  
"I seriously don't want to fight you, Hijikata, let's talk!"  
"And I want to kill you," growls Hijikata. "We can talk when we're both dead."  
"Wait!"  
The sword's blade whistles through the air again and Gin escapes its deadly bite once more.  
"Hiji, you have no idea how sorry I am, seriously!"  
" _Don't_ call me that!" furiously yells the Vice-Chief before lunging forward again.  
The blade catches Gintoki's yukata on the side and easily rips through the cloth, but it only grazes his skin.  
"Tch!" Gintoki jumps back to put some distance between them, but Hijikata's anger is overwhelming and he won't let up. The Vice-Chief charges again, this time aiming straight for Gintoki's stomach, but the silver-haired samurai slips on one of the mayonnaise-covered bottles and falls back. The sword nicks the side of his face and when he lands on his back, his head smacks against the pavement with a hard thud.  
"Ah, fuck!" curses Gintoki at the pain, and when his eyes squint open he sees Hijikata standing over him with his sword pointed at his neck.  
Gintoki's eyes widen and the image of Hijikata towering over one of the rapists with his sword pointed downwards just like in this very moment flashes across his mind.

Hijikata's eyes are hateful and resolute. The blue irises are ablaze with cold determination, just like last night, trained on the one who wronged him in such a horrible way. Eyes of a killer overwhelmed with pained rage, eyes of the betrayed and the violated, eyes of a wounded animal that will lash out at any hand. Eyes that are latched onto Gintoki's face.  
Hijikata wants him to writhe on the ground just like he wanted those men to writhe on the ground,  
Hijikata wants him to feel the agony he inflicted on them and then wants him gone.  
Hijikata just wants him to suffer and die the same way they did, because Gintoki's no better.  
Hijikata wants to push the tip of his blade into Gintoki's vulnerable neck, and it won't matter to him whether Gintoki is defending himself or not.  
And Gintoki knows that Hijikata wants to kill him right then and there, no matter the consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pumpkin.  
> I feel like the title sounds funny, which might be pretty misleading for readers... Oh well. You should know I did some research on Hijikata and mayonnaise, and I saw just how important mayonnaise was to the Gintama fandom (not that I didn't already know about it in the first place), so I apologize to all the hardcore mayo fans for interrupting his relationship with the pretty yellow gloppy mistress.  
> Btw, is "we can talk when we're both dead" Hijikata logic? I have the feeling it could be. Please tell me.  
> Thanks for reading, leave a comment if you feel like it!


	20. Close Call

"That's enough," says a gruff voice next to Hijikata.  
Hijikata doesn't look away from Gintoki's face, his sword trembling in his hand. There's blood pearling from the small wound where his blade cut in the man's skin, but Hijikata can't bring himself to drive his sword through Gin's neck. He hates the man, and he wishes he were dead like all of the others, but he just can't do it.  
His arm won't budge.  
"Toshi," says Kondou. "Lower your sword."

Gin is staring at him with wide eyes. It's weird. They're usually so careless, sometimes they're even dull, but right now he looks more awake than ever. Hijikata's noticed how Gin only really seems lucid when death is near, like its threat is the only thing that reminds him to act alive.  
And right now he feels like those eyes are what's stopping him from going through with his threat.  
Gin's eyes aren't pleading for mercy, and he isn't groveling on the ground like the others. They're simply... understanding. Like he's waiting to be killed.  
He won't fight back.

"That's enough," repeats his chief. "People are watching, Toshi. You can't do this. You're Shinsengumi."

Gin is a traitor. He left him behind, stuck in the wall. He let them do him. He's responsible for the humiliation and the pain.  
"He deserves to die like a dog," mutters Hijikata.  
"I don't doubt it, Toshi. But you can't. He's not even armed."  
Hijikata's gaze slides down to Gin's hips, and he notices the lack of bokuto hanging from the man's waist. It's true, the man didn't plan to fight.  
It's even more startling considering Gintoki practically never goes anywhere without his weapon.

His gaze returns to the man's face and he growls: "What were you thinking?"  
Gin stares back at him with serious intensity. "I just wanted to apologize."  
Hijikata's expression shifts, and for a flitting moment Gin thinks he might be about to... No. People like Hijikata don't cry.  
The moment is instantly gone and the Vice-Chief says in a low voice: "Leave."  
"Hijikata, I'm-"  
" _Leave_. I don't want to hear another word from you."  
Gintoki closes his mouth and he nods slowly. Then he backs away, but Kondou steps between him and Hijikata and his foot pins Gintoki's yukata to the ground, immobilizing him.  
"Don't go yet," he warns him. Then he looks at Hijikata and his hands settle on his Vice-Chief's shoulders. "Toshi, go back inside. We need to talk."  
Hijikata glares at Kondou. "Why are you making him stay?"   
"He's going to clean up the mess you made. You don't have the right to refuse."  
Hijikata's eyes remain narrowed but he doesn't protest. He casts one last glance towards the silver-haired man, filled with anger, disdain and mostly a heavy sense of betrayal, and then turns on his feet and leaves the two men behind. Kondou and Gintoki watch him walk along the wall and turn right at the portal, and once he's gone, they look at each other.

"You're cleaning this mess, don't even think about leaving," states Kondou.  
Gin looks around, unsurprised. "It is pretty messy."  
"What did you do to him, Gintoki?"  
The silver-haired man looks up at the Shinsengumi Chief. "I won't tell you."  
"You hurt him, I know you did. I can see it. And it's bad."  
"He wouldn't want anyone to know, so you can ask him yourself if you really want to know. I won't be going behind his back."  
Kondou glowers at the other. "Well aren't you the loyal friend, all of a sudden." Then he crouches in front of Gintoki and digs a finger in his chest, his eyes colder than the samurai has ever seen them. "I know you're responsible for whatever happened to him, so don't you dare show your face around these parts again. If I learn that one of my officers saw you here, you're a dead man."  
"Seems fair," concedes Gintoki. He's rarely seen Kondou so angry, and he doesn't want to test his patience in this situation.  
"Clean up, and then leave."

Kondou straightens and lifts his foot, freeing Gintoki's yukata as he does so, and then he turns around to follow Hijikata's tracks. The silver-haired man watches him go, and when Kondou turns around the corner, he slowly gets back to his feet and brushes the dust off of his mayonnaise-riddled clothes the best he can. Then he looks around, looking for a way to bolt without having to clean up the mayonnaise and the bottles on the ground, but his gaze encounters that of yet another officer. He jolts, and smiles awkwardly.  
"Uh, hey. Sorry about this mess. Do you have a mop I could borrow?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pumpkin.  
> I have no idea if this is making as much sense as I think it is: has Kondou ever behaved this way in canon? Is it logical if Kondou stops his officer from wounding/killing someone in front of civilians, even if that someone is a criminal? I'm not sure if that's a real problem in the Gintama universe or not. I'm under the impression that the population doesn't really care. Please tell me!  
> Thanks for reading, leave a comment if you feel like it.


	21. Turmoil

Kondou walks in the building, his head turning left and right to catch sight of his Vice-Chief, to no avail. Worry niggles at his heart when each and every one of the black suits he comes across isn't that of his blue-eyed collegue. His strides become faster and faster as he walks down the halls with the worsening feeling that the one he's looking for isn't actually there.  
But then, where could he be? He saw the man walk through the portal before he turned back to Yorozuya, there's no doubt about that. Did he leave while Kondou had his back turned?

_Do you want to avoid this conversation that much?_

Kondou's feet slow down until he stops in front of his own office. The door is still open in the same position he left it, and the room is empty. He sighs and rubs his face. This isn't good. The Vice-Chief doesn't like talking about his problems, sure, but he only displays this kind of behaviour when he's really feeling bad.

And that Yorozuya guy who won't talk... What the hell happened to Toshiro?

Kondou straightens and turns around, heading back to the front of the building. If Toshi's truly gone, then that means he probably went on patrol to be left alone.  
_

Hijikata's face is so still that it looks set in stone, betraying none of the turmoil raging inside him as he walks through the citizens crowding the streets. He can't get Gintoki's face out of his head, and he can't forget how his hand shook as he held the blade close to the man's neck.  
Why didn't he go through with it?  
He felt real, primitive bloodlust in that moment. His vision had flashed red, and he'd moved without thinking. If Gin hadn't slipped on that bottle, no doubt his sword would have skewered him through and through. He hadn't hesitated then, so why had he hesitated at the last second?

His eyes.  
His eyes are the reason why Hijikata didn't kill him in the end.

As much as Hijikata wants him dead, he can't forget how close they were before it happened. The eyes that shone in battle, and the wild glint he saw in them when their bodies merged, while the rest of the world was asleep: it was like Gintoki was another man all together. Like a beast resurfacing from deep inside a human body, Gintoki would become unsatiable, his lopsided grin appearing dangerous yet fascinating, completely different from his usual expression.

And this time, the eyes of the beast showed resignation.  
Gintoki knew he'd done something wrong, which was more than Hijikata could've ever thought to happen. As dense as he was, Gintoki seemed to have understood that he was in the wrong and felt like he deserved for Hijikata to genuinely want to kill him.  
In any other circumstance, Hijikata would've reveled in the knowledge of Gintoki admitting how horrible a person he'd been, but this time....

It's not enough.

Hijikata doesn't want Gin to simply realize he's in the wrong. He wants the man to bleed, and suffer, and beg for forgiveness at his feet as he struggles through the same pain he did.  
Even then, Hijikata doesn't think he could forgive him.

He can still feel the hands-

Hijikata's hand flies to the hilt of his sword and he starts clenching his fist around it, focusing on the rough feeling of the hilt against his palm, its solid resistance against the strength of his grip. Again and again, his fingers curl and uncurl around it until his mind gets back on track.

He has a duty to fulfill as a Shinsengumi officer.  
There's no time for his own thoughts.

He starts walking again, this time focusing his thoughts on the worried expression his Chief had harboured in front of the Shinsengumi's headquarters. Kondou won't leave him alone now that he almost lost control in front of civilians, nearly killing an unarmed man for seemingly no reason at all. He made a mistake, and had he gone through with it, then he could've been severely punished for it. Kondou will want to know why that happened, he probably knows something is wrong by now.  
Hijikata clenches his teeth, knowing full well he won't be able to avoid facing the Shinsengumi Commander forever, but he can't say what happened to anyone. Such shame and humiliation shouldn't be known, especially not amongst the Shinsengumi officers. The fact that someone other than himself already knows is mortifiying.

If Gin died, then no one would be able to tell... But if Gin died, it would be suspicious to many, and besides, Hijikata clearly can't bring himself to do it in cold blood. He hates it, but he can't deny that his feelings for the man aren't gone, no matter how painful they are and how deeply he tries to hide them within his heart.  
Hijikata hates himself for being so weak-willed.

Suddenly, he stops in the middle of the street and twists around, violently slamming his fist in the nearest wall. Someone next to him yelps and jumps away, but he doesn't pay attention to them. He tightens his fist, feeling a lump forming in his throat.  
Why did it have to happen to him?  
Why can't he do anything about it?

He punches the wall again, and his knuckles, still bruised by their earlier impact against the hangar's floor, scream at him in protest. He doesn't heed the pain and hits the wall again, and again, until the pain invades his mind and he can't ignore it any longer. He sees that the scabs on his knuckles have given way and that his hand is bleeding again, so he retrieves it from the wall and wipes the blood on the inside flap of his black coat.

There has to be a way to deal with this. He can't just remain this way forever, randomly starting to punch walls and leaving his Commander on the spot, even if he thinks he's doing a pretty good job at ignoring what happened.  
He breathes out and grabs the hilt of his sword to calm down, telling himself it'll pass. It has to. After all, he's safe now, right? They're all dead.

But then he feels a heavy hand land on his shoulder, and all his reasoning goes up in burning flames.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pumpkin.
> 
> I'm sorry for taking so long, but it seems I just can't find inspiration as often as I'd like. It's really difficult. I want to finish this story and I am going to, that's not a question; what's really a problem is how long it will be before we reach the end of this story. I have lots of elements I can't grasp the gist of because I haven't read nor watched Gintama, and it's kind of a big handicap to write the story, and it's part of the reason why I take so long between updates. It might become even more irregular from now on because I have a lot of things going on this year, and it's not going to get better. I just want you guys to know that this will take some time before I finish it.
> 
> I have another question: is there a male character in the Gintama series which keeps a shop/a bar and is friends with both Gin and Hiji? I'd like to know which male characters are common friends with them, excluding the Shinsengumi and the "ennemies turned friends". If you have comments about the story, if you've noticed any contradictions, then please share them with me, I'll be glad to adapt :)
> 
> Thanks for reading, leave a comment if you feel like it!


	22. Alternative

His heart skips a beat. Hijikata doesn't think twice and he whips around, his elbow hitting the person behind him with an audible crack. His body reacts on instinct alone and he jumps backwards to take a defensive stance, his hand whipping his sword out of its scabbard.

The individual grunts, holding his nose with two hands, and blood drips down on the ground as he stumbles back.  
"Fuck, ow...."  
Hijikata doesn't recognize the person, but he has the time to notice the heaps of makeup on their eyes before he hears a deep voice bellow on his right: "What do you think you're doing?!"  
He whirls to the side in surprise, and a huge man stomps up to him, fuming, his long hair bouncing wildly on his broad shoulders. He firmly grabs the bleeding man by the shoulders to force him to look at him. "Azumi! Are you all right? What happened?"  
Hijikata sounds incredulous when he recognizes the new arrival. "...Saigou?"  
He looks around in confusion and soon notices the Drag Queen Clubhouse across the street. He didn't even realize this was where he was heading when he was walking, too lost in his thoughts to notice his surroundings.

Hijikata instantly drops the defensive position, quickly sheathing his sword before reaching out to the wounded man. "I'm sorry! Are you all right?"  
"What the hell is wrong with you?" grunts the tranvestite through his bloody nose, watery eyes shooting daggers at the Shinsengumi Vice-Chief. "That fucking hurt!"  
Hijikata can only apologize again for his violent reflex. "I didn't mean to, I'm really-"  
Saigou pushes his friend away fom Hijikata before thrusting his finger into Hijikata's face, his heavy build exuding anger. "How dare you hit his face? I ought to-"  
"Toshi!" calls a familiar voice just then, and Hijikata looks up to see Kondou running up to them both. He feels guilt rush down on him when he sees the worried look on his Commander's face.  
Hijikata takes a step away from Saigou and grabs the hilt of his sword, feeling anxiety pooling in his gut. Kondou must've seen the whole scene, and there's no real excuse for what he just did.

Kondou stops in font of them, his eyes flitting from the tranvestite's bloody face to Hijikata's pale one, and asks: "What happened?"  
"He fucking punched him, that's what happened!" Saigou thunders. "He just wanted to thank the Shinsengumi for helping him last night, and what does he get? A fist in the face!" He then turns back on Hijikata, his own fists menacingly clenched. "What is _wrong_ with you?"  
Hijikata doesn't answer and avoids the men's stares, ashamed by what happened. Unable to think logically, to control his nerves, to act normal, despite his best tries. Why is Kondou always there whenever he makes a mistake?

Kondou quickly understands that his officer is somehow the one in the wrong here and steps in front of him, focusing on the bleeding man: "Do you need us to get you to the hospital?"  
"I can do just fine on my own, thanks, just keep your Vice-Chief on a leash if he's going to be hitting people for no reason! What did I ever do to you?" exclaims the man with the bloody nose, in a voice tense with indignation and pain.  
Hijikata looks up and apologizes once more. "I'm sorry..."  
"Stop apologizing," Saigou cuts him off sharply, his finger lifted once again up to Hijikata's face, his eyes narrowed. "You hit him for no reason!"  
The huge man pushes Kondou to the side, who stumbles a bit in surprise, and closes the gap between him and Hijikata. The Vice-Commander feels suddenly breathless as Saigou towers over him and continues yelling at him, pushing him in the chest. "You hurt his face! It's the worst thing you could do to a hostess!"  
Hijikata stares at him, his lips sealed tight despite the urge to justify himself in any way he can, and Saigou's face keeps getting angrier. "He just wanted to thank you, this is inadmissible! I should just punch your pretty face in, because Vice-Commander or not, I don't give a damn!"

However, Saigou doesn't have the time to go through with his threat as Kondou grabs him by the arm and warns: "That's enough. You should go take care of that bloody nose now."  
Saigou glares at him and shakes his arm free.  
"Yeah, we should," repeats the man behind him sarcastically, without making a move to stop the blood dribbling down his chin. "How about you watch your officers?"  
Saigou turns around and takes a step forward, about to leave, but then he turns back to Hijikata and says: "Don't expect me to welcome you if you ever come by. Got it?"  
"Yes," Hijikata quietly answers, even though he doesn't think there would be a reason for him to step in the clubhouse. He doesn't try to explain himself. There's nothing to explain. He just hit a stranger for no reason. "I understand."  
Saigou and his friend cast him one last glare before heading back to the clubhouse.

As the crowd that formed around them starts breaking up, Kondou looks at Hijikata and asks: "What did he do?"  
"Nothing, it was my fault. Sorry. What were you doing around these parts, I thought I left you behind at the HQ?"  
"That's precisely why I'm around these parts. You don't just leave me behind like that when I've clearly expressed my desire to talk with you."  
"I'm sorry, Chief Kondou. I needed some time to myself."  
"I know that, but that's not an excuse, and I need to know why you need that time. You seem very out of sorts."  
Hijikata sighs wearily, and Kondou notices the movement of his fingers around his sword. "It's nothing, sir. I'm guessing you want me to take some time off?"  
"Yes. You've attacked two civilians for no valid reason in the space of an hour, and with the way you've been generally acting - tired and on edge - I think your suspension is a normal consequence to all of this. I'm sorry," adds Kondou when he sees Hijikata close his eyes. "I don't want to do this, I know your job means a lot to you, but you clearly need rest."

Hijikata looks away. Kondou can't know that working is keeping his mind off things, so he can't insist on continuing without looking suspicious, but he's not sure he's going to be able to handle his thoughts without focusing on his job.  
He can't go against Kondou, but that means he's going to have to find something else to distract himself with. Where is he going to be able to find that?

"Toshi?"  
Hijikata snaps back to the present and looks at the Shinsengumi Chief. "Yes, I'm sorry. My mind started drifiting."  
"Knowing how important work is to you, I know you would very much prefer not having to stay home and do nothing, so I think I may have an idea."  
Hijikata is instantly alert. "What's that?"  
"You won't be patrolling for a while until you get better, but you can still help with the paperwork back at the Shinsengumi. If we do that, you'll only handle the paperwork that's been lying untouched for the past weeks. It's mostly boring complaints and small thefts, but someone has to do it and it might as well be you."  
"I'll do it," accepts Hijikata right away. As long as he has something to do, then he doesn't have to think. It's the best that can happen for now. And he won't risk going off on people that haven't done anything to him. He feels another pang of guilt when he remembers the man's bloody face.  
"All right, it's settled then. Let's get back to HQ," says Kondou.  
They start walking, and Hijikata hopes that the blinding fright he felt when someone touched his shoulder was a one-time thing, and that nothing's really wrong with him. He's starting to think that may not be the case: others don't usually surprise him that easily, and it's happened several times today. Hijikata casts a glance in Kondou's direction and notices that his commander's face is a bit too serious, and he wonders what Kondou might be thinking right now.  
_

They finally reach the HQ after a long while of silence and Kondou leads him inside the building.  
"All right, to work," exclaims the Shinsengumi Chief loudly, his voice falsely jovial as he pulls the door to the office open.  
Yamazaki looks up from his desk, a surprised expression appearing on his face when he sees Hijikata step inside. "What's the Vice-Chief doing here? Isn't he supposed to be patrolling?"  
"I'm helping you guys with the paperwork," answers Hijikata as he sits down at the adjacent desk.  
Yamazaki quickly understands he shouldn't be doing any unecessary asking when he catches the man's darkened expression. Hijikata doesn't grunt or anything, he doesn't even glare at him, but something in the way he slightly hunches his shoulders and intently stares at the papers on his desk tips Yamazaki off that something's not right with the Vice-Commander. He looks up at Kondou, who's still standing at the door, but the Commander has the same clueless and troubled expression as earlier. It seems Kondou doesn't know anything either.

So Yamazaki just says: "Oh, I see," and hands Hijikata a stack of paper. "Don't pay attention to those forms on your desk right now, this is what's most important. We need to make more of the missing person sheets and the eye witness accounts, the father's not leaving us alone if we don't do it. He's desperate and he's not letting us off the hook until we've done our very best to find her."  
"No," Kondou intervenes. Yamazaki looks up at the Commander, surprise written all over his face. "Toshi's doing the papers you guys don't want to do, otherwise they're never going to be done."  
"With all due respect, Chief Kondou, we need all the help we can get paperwork-wise with this one," answers Yamazaki, his hand still holding the papers out. "If we don't finish with these eye witness accounts today, we might get overrun by another important case."  
"Fine, fine, but Toshi, you'll have to do the boring stuff eventually. As soon as you're done with this case, start on the complaints. I'm counting on you guys," says Kondou as he turns around to leave.

Hijikata takes the stack and stares at the picture of the girl on the front. This is one of the many cases of missing people they have to deal with every week or so, and most of the time it ends up being about an affair, a family feud or a rebellious teenager. But sometimes, it happens for the relatives' kidnapping hypothesis to be true. In this case the girl, named Hana, is a twenty-two year old inn maid who was last seen shopping at a fruit market, and her father, the inn's tenant, is convinced she was taken away. The Shinsengumi put up posters of her, but there haven't been any leads. Yamazaki and Tetsu have been printing her thin features on paper for the last few hours to make more posters, so as to broaden the searching area.

 _She's pretty_ , thinks Hijikata. It has crossed everyone's mind in the Shinsengumi that if this really is a kidnapping, they might never find her. Human trafficking runs deep in the city's underbelly, and the criminals that take part in it are very careful not to leave tracks. It's practically impossible to find the people they take, especially when they are young.  
When the Shinsengumi do achieve the miracle of busting an exchange or finding a missing person, what they find never fails to be gruesome.  
The bruises.  
The blood.  
The tears.

The pain.

The humiliation.

The hands...

Hijikata sharply inhales, jolting out of his thoughts. He can't go there. He can't think about it, or he's going to go crazy.

Yamazaki sees the Vice-Commander's twitching next to him, but he doesn't dare ask what's wrong right away. Hijikata hasn't moved for the last five minutes and has remained freakishly still since Yamazaki has handed him the posters, and it looks like he didn't realize it, because now he's lowering the papers on his desk and starting to write like nothing's wrong.

"Hey, Vice-Commander..." he ventures.  
Hijikata's pen stills and he looks up, a questioning look in his eyes. "Yes?"  
"Everything all right?" asks Yamazaki as lightly as he can.  
Hijikata stares at him intensely, for such a long time that Yamazaki starts feeling uneasy under the man's slightly dim gaze. Then the man answers: "Yeah. Do I not look alright?"  
"Just a bit tired," quickly says Yamazaki. "It's nothing."  
"I'm okay," insists Hijikata.  
Yamazaki shifts a bit in his seat under the man's heavy gaze. "Uh, I'll leave you be then. Let's just... finish this as fast as we can."  
Hijikata keeps on staring, and after a small moment he simply nods and looks down. His pen starts moving again.

Yamazaki looks at the girl on the poster, fiddling with his pen in one hand. Hijikata's definitely acting weird. Should he tell Kondou about the spacing-out thing? Maybe he's noticed already.  
Yamazaki quickly glances at the other man, once again noticing the palor of his face. He decides that if it happens again, then he'll tell Kondou.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pumpkin.  
> Good frickin' frickadee, finally, an update! I've been running suuuuper late for everything I'm supposed to do, things are so hectic right now. I've got like ten thousand issues per week these days, never can get a breather. Have you ever had your home flooded by your neighbour's filthy toilets? Because let me tell you, it is NOT fun. Even less when the plumber takes quite literally MORE THAN A WEEK to unclog those monster toilets. And that's just one of the many problems I've been having this month. Bad luck is pursuing me.  
> Anyway, guys, thank you all for your help when I was trying to find a character for this. It was really cool of you to give me so many names, and I researched them all, but in the end I went with Saigou. I wanted a bulky character and although he isn't a shopkeeper, he still tends to some kind of "shop", I guess. Plus I needed both Hiji and Gin to know him and that's surprisingly rare... Well, it took a lot of time but I got what I wanted.  
> Thanks for reading, leave a comment if you feel like it!


	23. Comfort Food

Gin toys around with his chopsticks and sighs again. He came here to order his special so that he'd feel better about his failed apology from earlier, but he doesn't feel like eating it in the end. The red beans on his rice are going cold, but he doesn't care. He's too troubled.

He raises his weary gaze to stare at the restaurant owner. "Hey, old man."  
The man behind the counter turns to him and notices the red topping on Gin's rice hasn't budged. "Something wrong with your special?" he inquires.  
The samurai shakes his head. "Not the problem. You have a wife, right?"  
The man smiles. "Oh, troubles of the heart, I see. What happened?"  
Gin puts down his chopsticks and rests his chin on his hand. "I made a real bad mistake, and now she's mad at me. What would you do to apologize?"  
"Depends," says the man. "What's the mistake?"  
"I let her down. She needed me and I wasn't there."  
"Oh," he says, putting down the cloth he's holding. His face becomes thoughtful. "That's a head-scratcher."  
"Thanks," says Gin. "Very helpful."  
The owner smiles and shrugs. "Sorry, Gintoki, but that kind of thing rides itself out. Have you tried giving her something she likes?"  
Gin groans and pushes his bowl away. "I've done that already, it didn't work. She just threw it back in my face."  
"Ouch."  
"She won't even see me."  
"That's harsh."  
"Yeah."

There's a moment of silence. The owner clearly doesn't have any other tips to give, so Gin looks around the restaurant. His gaze lands on a man two seats away. He scoots over to the man's side and asks: "What do you think?"  
The man looks up, surprised. "Uh... Me?"  
"Yeah, you. The old man can't help me, what's your way of doing things?"  
"I don't know... I don't have a girlfriend."  
Gin sighs. "Okay, then what would you do if you had one?"  
The man puts down his spoon. "Uh... Maybe try again later?"  
"Things probably won't get better."

"Have you tried telling her you understand why she's mad?" intervenes someone behind them. Gin turns around and sees a young couple sitting at a table. The woman is staring at him, and the man is eating without paying attention to them.  
Gin shrugs. "I don't see how I could do that. She doesn't want me to talk to her. I can't tell her anything."  
"Maybe she wants you to tell her you know what you did wrong. Or maybe she wants you to do something for her, but if she won't talk, then I think this man here is right. You're going to have to wait for her to calm down."  
"But how long will that be?"  
"Why do you ask me?" says the woman. "I just thought I'd help, but visibly your girlfriend, or wife, or whoever she is just wants you to back off for a while. You probably can't do anything but wait."

Gin groans and puts his hands on his face. "I just want to say sorry. Why are things so complicated? I know I'm a huge jerk and usually sex is enough to make up, but this is different."  
The man makes a weird sound and his noodles splash in his bowl, and the corner of the woman's mouth quirks up. "Yeah, sometimes make up sex isn't enough. You've got to work harder than that if she's that mad at you. Sounds like you and your girl have never had something more important than this happen between you two before."  
Gin looks at her. "Yeah, and I have no idea what to do to make her feel better. None. I feel like..." He tries to search for words, but when he does find them, he doesn't want to say it out loud. It would sound too real.

He feels like this is something he can't apologize for. 

Suddenly, Gin realizes that he's afraid of never getting Hijikata back. It becomes a tangible reality then and there and he feels himself go cold.  
Of course, he didn't think their relationship could last forever. They always fought, and sex was basically the one thing that tied them together. Hijikata was part of a police force, and Gin was just some odd jobs guy with extremely questionable morals. Gin didn't even know if the man truly liked him; he just knew they had some kind of symbiotic relationship that worked, no matter how often they fought and how often Gin messed things up. He didn't know if they were passionate in bed, all he knew was they could easily lose themselves in one another. He didn't know of he himself liked Hijikata, he just knew that he liked the way they were together.  
He always held the knowledge somewhere in his heart that one day they'd part ways. However, he'd never thought it would be like this. 

Now that it seems like it really is happening, Gin knows two things: he isn't nearly ready to let go of the demonic Vice-Commander, and he certainly doesn't want to leave him with things between them this broken. He doesn't know how he'll do it, but he'll make it up to Hiji. He has to. If all he can do for now is wait, then he'll wait, but he'll never wait far.

Gin says thanks to the woman and leaves the restaurant without paying the bill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pumpkin.  
> Small chapter, I know. Slow updates, I know. But is that even a surprise anymore?  
> Had some exams and moving out to do, glad that's over. Also got this pokemon game recently and I think I've fallen back into the black hole of video game addiction. I don't really want to be saved though.  
> Thanks for reading, leave a comment if you feel like it!


	24. Holding on

At the end of the day, Hijikata feels tired. He just wants one thing, and it's his bed. It isn't even physical, since he hasn't done anything particularly tiring, but he's exhausted. Everything that happened during the last 24 hours kept putting him on edge, and it felt like the day would never end. The whole mayo debacle, the punch from earlier, the posters he has to make with Yamazaki... It just kept coming, and never stopped. 

He knows he needs to rest. Last night did nothing to help him recover, and the state of his body is only worsening. His eyes sting from the lack of sleep, and there is needling pain in the center of his forehead that nothing can alleviate. Now that the day is reaching an end, he has nothing to keep his thoughts occupied. He feels empty, and the memories are circling his mind like vultures around a corpse. He doesn't talk much during supper, and his subordinates don't try to make him when they see that he wants to be left alone. He half-mindedly listens to Todo talk about the arrest he made today, and eats little of what's on his plate. Hijikata doesn't so much as touch the bottle of mayonnaise someone has set down on the table for him.

When the supper is over, he rises with the rest of the group and heads straight to his room. His body feels heavy when he closes his door shut, and he wearily lets himself flop on his mattress. He knows he should take his clothes off, but he just doesn't feel like moving. Not only is his mind begging for rest, but he's so tired that he can't even think anymore.

It doesn't stop his body from hurting like a bitch, though. He's managed to play the pain off in front of the others and almost convinced himself that he doesn't feel anything, but the truth is that his skin burns where it was whipped, and his legs feel weak, and his backside still feels like it's on fire.  
His fist clenches around his bedsheets when he hears the laughter again, with such desperate strength that his hand shakes from the strain.

He just wants to sleep. Is that too much to ask? Why can't the bastards shut up even when they're dead? Why can't he stop hearing them?  
Fuck.   
He needs to find something to do, or they won't stop. He's not going to be able to sleep with that disgusting laughter ringing in his ears.

Hijikata tries to sit up again, but his limbs feel like lead. It's no use. They laugh at him, at how weak he's become because of what they did. Hijikata curls up in his bed, the movement stretching his bruised and lacerated skin. He clenches his teeth and brings his sheathed sword to his chest, gripping its hilt with the strength of the drowning.   
He can manage. He just has to ignore them, he needs to ignore them. That's all it is.  
He has to block out the laughter. He has to stop feeling their touches creeping in his skin, needs to stop their hands from roaming over his body, needs to stop them from touching him-

A choked sound escapes him and he holds onto his sword even tighter. 

Can he even stop them?  
He's already dirty. They've already done it.  
What can he really do about it?  
There's nothing to stop, really. What's done is done.  
They've ruined him.

 _No_ , he thinks fiercely, interrupting his own line of thought. They haven't ruined him. He's not ruined, or broken, or weak.  
He's the fucking Demonic Vice-Commander, for fuck's sake, he needs to get it together. How can the Chief and the entire Shinsengumi rely on him if he's like this? He can't allow himself to think like that. He can't. He can't, or it'll be the end of him.  
His job is all he has. It's all he is. He can't lose that as well. He just can't.

He just can't.

 _Stop_.  
 _Stop touching me_.

Hijikata doesn't notice his shaking. He doesn't realize how tightly he's squeezing his eyes shut, or how tense he is. How white the knuckles of his hands are, underneath the red and brown scabs.

He doesn't notice anything. He just wants the nightmares to go away so that he can finally sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pumpkin.  
> This is part one of a triple update (to make up for the fic-less months where I didn't really tell you what was going on), but I'm going to stop trying to update this fic the way I did before January. Part three will announce that in more detail.  
> Anyway, thanks for reading and leave a comment if you feel like it!


	25. Something wrong

There's a knock on the door.   
"Chief Kondou?"

The chief looks up from his desk and his stare lands on his officer. "Oh, Yamazaki. Come in. What is it?"  
Yamazaki steps inside and stands in front of his superior. "I want to talk about the Vice-Commander."  
Kondou settles back and nods slightly, inviting him to speak out. Yamazaki clears his throat, a bit nervous to meddle in his Vice-Chief's affairs, but the whole situation feels too disturbing to keep to himself. 

"Well, this might sound a bit ridiculous, but there's something off about him. He didn't eat any mayo tonight, even though I put it right next to him. I mean, it's Vice-Chief Hijikata we're talking about. And that's not all," he continues hurriedly. "Something really weird happened while we were making the posters together. At one moment, he just sort of wasn't there anymore. I mean- he was there, but at the same time, he just wasn't. I know I'm not being very clear, but I feel like something is wrong with him."  
Chief Kondou frowns and crosses his arms. He asks: "How long did that last?"  
Yamazaki hesitates for a bit, and then answers: "I'd say about five minutes straight. I'm not really sure anymore, but it did last for a while. I didn't even do anything, he uh, woke up on his own."

The chief has a troubled expression on his face, so Yamazaki asks: "Did something happen?"

Kondou doesn't answer right away, but when he does, Yamazaki feels a bit unsettled by his tone of voice. "Nothing you should concern yourself with as of now. Don't speak about this to anyone else, not until I figure this out."  
"Yes, sir," Yamazaki replies immediately. He realizes that Hijikata is in an even more delicate position than he'd first thought if the chief thinks it's better to keep it all under wraps for the moment. "I don't mean to intrude, but does anybody know about this other than myself?"

"Sougo also knows something happened, but we don't know what it is exactly," answers his chief. "At any rate, try not to aggravate Toshi if you can help it. He's one misstep away from being sent on a leave."

Surprised, Yamazaki can't help asking: "Why?"

Kondou sighs. "He tried to kill the Yorozuya guy in front of our building this afternoon, and just after that he punched someone for no reason while he was on patrol. He was out of control, that's why I had him work with you."  
"Is it really surprising he'd try to kill that guy? They're always fighting."  
The chief shakes his head. "No, this was different. That silverhead didn't have any kind of weapon on him."  
"What? Not even the usual?"  
"Not even that. I'm telling you, it was strange," Kondou insists. "I think that guy's responsible for what happened, and that's why Toshi was so angry at him."  
"... I see," says Yamazaki.  
"Yamazaki, I might ask you to try and find out what happened later. For now, just stay put."  
"Yes, sir."  
"You're dismissed. Come back if anything else happens that you find strange."

Yamazaki nods and leaves. Kondou stares at his desk, hands clasped in front of his face. He didn't think things were so dire with his vice-commander. Not only is Toshi losing his temper much too easily, he's also spacing out. Of course, it's not new that Toshi looses his temper often, but not this drastically. And he's usually so focused, Kondou can't envision him blankly staring at his work for five minutes straight. As for the mayo... He's sure everyone's noticed it tonight. He's not convinced that he can keep the Shinsengumi's questions at bay for long, and if they start asking Toshi how he's feeling, well... He has the sentiment it won't end well for anybody.

Kondou sighs and gathers the papers on his desk distractedly. This isn't good, and if he wants to help Toshi, he needs to know what happened. Gintoki knows, but won't tell him unless Toshi says it's all right, so he can't ask him. Kondou doesn't know what to do. If anything, he should try and talk to Toshi alone, but he's not sure Toshi would want to take that time. His vice-commander didn't stick around very long this evening, no doubt avoiding everyone else. Kondou decides that if Toshi doesn't get better in a few days, they'll have to have a real talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pumpkin!  
> This is part two of the triple update. I don't know why exactly, but I don't really like how this one turned out... Since I can't figure out what to change, I'm still posting this chapter.  
> Thanks for reading, and leave a comment if you feel like it!


	26. Disinfectant

Hijikata woke up with a start, his fingers spasming around the hilt of his sword. He blinked to disperse the heavy fog hanging over his mind and his gaze travelled around the room, but nothing was out of place. He rolled over on one arm and cautiously sat up, groaning in pain as he did so. He didn't know what had woken him up like this, and he didn't try to figure it out. His wounds were hurting even worse than before and it had made his night hell. He looked down at his hand which felt sore from gripping the sword so tightly during the night and slowly uncurled his wooden fingers. Hijikata opened and closed his hand a few times to work the kinks out of his knuckles and then rubbed his face with a weary sigh. The muscles in his back and neck were cramped from sleeping in the same curled position all night. 

He rose from his bed with a muffled grunt and made his way to the shower. His skin was dirty and stuck to his clothes, his legs felt weak, and the fabric of his pants burned where it rubbed against his wounds. When he reached the room covered in ceramic, an urge to be clean suddenly overwhelmed him. He peeled off his clothes as fast as he could, and when he had to bend down to remove his pants, memories from that hateful day flooded back. His face twisted and he ragingly threw the clothes to the ground. He rushed to turn the water on and didn't wait for it to heat up, immediately stepping in the shower to scrub himself clean. He scratched at his skin where he could feel their hands on his body, and dug into his wounds to wash away their touch, but he couldn't scrape out the filth that creeped under his skin. There was only blood. They laughed at him, at his pitiful endeavour to get them out of his body, so he scrubbed harder. The water had heated up and was now so hot it was painful, but Hijikata didn't lower the temperature in hopes that the scalding water would also burn away what remained of them. Even if he could still hear them, even if he could still feel them, even if his skin was becoming red, he forced himself to stay in the shower. He kept going.  
Hijikata only stopped scrubbing when he started feeling too dizzy to keep standing. He watched the blood trickled down his legs and the pink water swirl at his feet, and cursed, knowing that he had lost this battle. There was no way to get rid of them, no way to be clean again. They'd left their mark there, on his body, and he could only hide it. He turned off the water and grabbed his towel to dry off. The towel ended up stained with red, and Hijikata tried not to avoid drying the raw spots on his body despite the pain. He looked through his belongings to find something that he could tend to his throbbing wounds with, but quickly remembered he'd never really taken treatment into consideration. He'd have to make a trip to a drugstore if he wanted his injuries to ever get better, and most of all if he wanted to avoid having Kondou on his back.

Hijikata dressed up for his trip outside the walls of the headquarters, hoping that the blood would not be too visible on his dark uniform if he stained that as well. He steeled himself so that he wouldn't wince at every step, stepped out of his room and looked around. Judging from the sky's color and the very few officers he saw training in the yard, it was still early. He could make the trip before Kondou needed him to start paperwork again. Hijikata walked to the closest gate and merely grunted in response to the other officers' salutes.

It proved very difficult not to limp as he made his way to the drugstore. The few citizens that saluted him on the way were not miffed by his unwelcoming expression, fortunately, as it was not in his habits to smile at them. No one would find it unusual for him to be in a bad mood. Being seen limping, however, was simply out of the question. Hijikata largely preferred suffering over being seen as injured and weakened. There was no way he would give anyone that satisfaction.

When he finally reached the drugstore, he put his back against the wall to rest and catch his breath. He feigned to stand guard at the corner of the crossroads, watched the passerbys walk down the streets with their bags and purses, and the kids playing with their wooden toys on the ground, and stood as tall and straight as he could despite the pain coursing through his body. It took him a while to regain control over his pain, and when he decided it was time for him to get what it was he'd come to get, his breath still felt a bit short.

Hijikata pushed open the door to the drugstore and stepped inside. The druggist looked up from his desk and his brow harbored a slightly concerned crease when he recognized the new costumer.  
"Hello, Vice-Commander. You all right there? You aren't looking to hot."  
Hijikata forbade himself from showing any signs of pain as he walked up to the desk. He'd had many worse injuries before, but this time, he was the only one who could treat them. He just wanted to grab what he needed and get the hell out of there.  
"I need disinfectant," he stated without answering the man's question. His voice was more strained than he would've liked it to be.  
"That's all?" asked the druggist with a dubious expression.  
"That's all," Hijikata growled warningly.  
The man lifted an eyebrow, visibly unimpressed by the menace on Hijikata's face. "That doesn't seem like it's all. You sure disinfectant's the only thing you want? Have you seen a doctor?"  
"Yes," Hijikata angrily grunted. He was unwilling to give any more information about his state than he already had, and if the druggist asked anything else, he would slam the door to this weird-smelling place, disinfectant or no disinfectant. Hijikata was used to seeing his subordinates scurry away whenever his expression turned stormy, and this guy was pissing him off by staying so calm. Did he not know what the Shinsengumi's Vice-Commander was capable of? The druggist probably knew that Hijikata wasn't feeling his best, and if the guy continued with that attitude, Hijikata would make sure to throw him off his high horse.  
The druggist didn't insist and went to the back of the store to sift through his shelves of bottles and boxes. Hijikata relaxed a little, relieved that the man's interrogation hadn't gone any further.  
"What about antibiotics?" suddenly said the druggist, and Hijikata tensed up again.  
"What?" he spat in the direction of the druggist's voice.  
"Would you care for some? Didn't your doctor tell you to get any? You look a bit sick, so I thought-"  
"It's none of your business, just give me the damn disinfectant," snapped Hijikata. He didn't need antibiotics. He wasn't sick, they hadn't gotten to him that badly. He was just bleeding.  
"If it is to treat wounds, I deeply recommend taking antibiotics as well, in case it gets infected," insisted the druggist as he reappeared at the counter. He was holding two boxes in his hand.  
Hijikata slammed the money on the counter. "You are really testing my patience," he snarled.  
Without losing his calm, the druggist took the money and said: "You have enough for both."  
"I said I didn't want it, what don't you understand about-"  
"Listen, Vice-Commander," suddenly exploded the man. "I have a lot of idiot costumers who come here thinking they know best and then regretting not following my advice, and I'm used to it. Sometimes when it's not too serious I let it go, but you belong to the Shinsengumi and us folk need all the Shinsengumi officers to be healthy so that you can protect us. It's none of my business what exactly happened to you, but you look like you need real care and not just disinfectant, so take the goddamn antibiotics!"  
The druggist slammed the boxes down in the same way Hijikata had slapped his money on the desk to conclude his sudden outburst, and stared at the Vice-Commander challengingly. "If you don't take them now, you'll come back needing much more than you do now."

Hijikata stared back. He hadn't thought the druggist had it in him to yell like that.

Hijikata finally looked down at the boxes and felt shame invade him. He was weak. He knew the druggist was right, that there was always a risk of infection, and he hated that he needed all of what was on the desk to get better. He hated that they'd injured him and that _he_ had to treat the wounds _they_ had inflicted, that _he_ had to clean up what _they_ had done to him. He didn't want to make those wounds get better, he deserved them for not being strong enough. The only reason he had to get better was to make them disappear, so that no one else would know. He needed the antibiotics for the wounds not to show.

Hijikata shoved both of the boxes inside his coat, glared at the druggist and muttered that he keep the change, and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey pumpkin. This is the third part to the triple update.  
> So... I know it's been months since the last update, and I know you guys would like longer chapters and more frequent updates. Unfortunately, I've kind of been hesitating to put this fic on hold. I thought I would have more time to write over summer break : nope. I'm starting a phase of my studies that is insanely time-consuming, basically I will have no time for anything other than work, eat, sleep (and that's if I have any time for eating and sleeping). I will be unable to relax and take the time to be creative, unless I am very inspired by something. Needless to say, I haven't been the most inspired by this story.  
> I truly wish I could have a regular updating schedule. I wish I had more ideas for future chapters, more time to write, less difficulties setting the story on a realistic path : but I don't, and my studies aren't going to allow for that to change. I'm not abandoning this story though, don't get me wrong! I still want to write Hiji coping with what happened, Gin trying to get redemption, everyone else wondering what the hell happened, and I will when my life lets me. Just don't expect an update any time soon.
> 
> TLDR : I'm not going to update this story unless I have sudden bursts of inspiration, just like I've been doing since January. I'm not dropping this fic, because I want to see it through, but currently my life doesn't allow me to continue it the way I want to. 
> 
> So basically this fic becomes one of those fics where you don't know when the next update will be but hope to god the writer isn't dead yet. (I should still be answering your comments, though I'm not even sure about that.)
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading and leave a comment if you feel like it (but not too angry please, I swear I'd do more if I could!)
> 
> PS : I changed the present tense to past tense, is it better? Does it even change anything? Are you too disappointed to tell me?


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